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Friday, Oct 15, 2021

Founder’s Day speaker chosen by unlikely leader

According to secret videos and reports obtained by The Cluster, Mercer University selects its annual Founder’s Day speaker by letting the statue of Jesse Mercer decide.

Controversy surrounded this year’s event, as lawyer Jay Sekulow was selected to come and address the student body last month. Sekulow’s beliefs sparked outrage from current students and alumni, and many questioned the process of picking the speaker.

After submitting open records requests, Cluster staff members have confirmed that members of the Student Government Association visit the statue located in the Historic Quad in the middle of the night, several months prior to the event.

“We type up the names of alumni worthy of being the Founder’s Day speaker, and hold them in front of Jesse’s statue one-by-one,” SGA member Cruz Knight said. “We then have to say ‘Go Bears!’ six times in a row to initiate the statue magic.”

Knight said when the statue magic becomes active, Mercer’s statue begins to glow orange.

SGA members then line up in front of it, holding the typed names.

“You have to stand at just the right angle, since his head is tilted the way it is,” class senator Suzy Saucedo said. “Whenever Jesse’s eyes move, the person’s name on the piece of paper held up at that time is the Founder’s Day speaker.”

After Mercer’s statue selects the speaker, the SGA members must once again chant “Go Bears!” six times to end the orange magic, Saucedo said. If not, he begins creating mischief on campus, she said.

“One year they forgot to turn off the statue magic, and weird things started happening,” Saucedo said. “Classes were cancelled for two days straight, parking spots were in abundance, and everyone who ate at the caf reported feeling full and happy.”

There is no indication that this current practice is going to change anytime soon, but now that the student body knows, SGA is open to other methods, Knight said.

“My bro Jesse hasn’t let us down yet, but we might need to change up things,” he said. “My personal favorite suggestion would be to fold up names of alumni into paper airplanes, throw them from the top of the Administration building and see which one goes the farthest.”


Note: This is a satirical piece produced by the Cluster team in honor of April Fools Day. Thanks for reading!


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