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Wednesday, Sep 22, 2021

Feature Fiction: I regret my decisions at this bar

To the Staff and Management of the Hummingbird Stage and Taproom,
I just want to let everybody know how sorry I am for my recent behavior. While I understand that a bar is generally considered to be a place where one can “let loose,” I now realize that I might have gone overboard slightly. To help soothe any hard feelings (and at the strong urging of my attorney), I have drafted the following letter.
I apologize for trying to prove that I was “the very strongest.” While the claim, in itself, was harmless, my insistence on trying to start an arm wrestling tournament was annoying to both the staff and patrons. I now know that I am not, in fact, the very strongest, and I am somewhat ashamed that this fact was eventually proven (although, in my defense, the fact that my arm wrestling challenge was taken up is testament to my ability to work a crowd).
I apologize for what transpired immediately after my loss in the arm wrestling match. Not only was insisting on a “do-over” the clear mark of a sore loser, there was no reason for me blame my loss on the “swill” served at the bar.
I apologize for implying that the Hummingbird’s wide range of draft and bottled beers is swill.
I now know that karaoke is a privilege, not a right.  
I do not apologize for singing Don Henley’s “Month of Sundays” for karaoke. Why doesn’t anybody else like that song?
I apologize for my outburst (which can only be described as “tantrum-like”) at finding out that Dolce Vita closes before 11 o’clock on weekdays. I still maintain that the Hummingbird’s sign offering “Dolce Vita pizza until 11 o’clock on weekdays” is misleading, and my reaction, while not fully justified, is at least understandable.
I apologize for ordering twenty-five pizzas from the Spring Street Pizza Hut. In my defense, I was on the back porch, and had no idea that the pizzas kept getting turned away at the front door. If I had known, I would not have continued to place frustrated online orders.
I now know that the bathroom is a privilege, not a right.
I apologize for the dart fight. I’ve been advised to not say more until the affected parties are out of the hospital, although I would like to mention that I am, of course, very happy that all of the body parts have been accounted for.
I apologize for the speeches. I realize that some people get patriotic when they drink and others get religious—while my views are my own (and, thanks to the First Amendment, I do not have to apologize for those), my impassioned arguments for a fascist theocracy might have rubbed some people the wrong way.
Lastly, I would like to issue a blanket apology for any actions I have not mentioned (either for legal reasons or through absent-mindedness). All in all, it was a rough night, though I hope that I, in my own way, enlivened the bar for those two hours.
Ross “The Very Strongest” Hardy


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