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Wednesday, Sep 22, 2021

Willet remodeled into bunker, leading students to post-apocalyptic academic success

Tuesday May 7, 2024

Today marks four years since the asteroid impact that started the Zombie Apocalypse which promptly wiped out the world.  Mercer evacuated students and staff to the Willet bunker, constructed six years before in 2018. Students are grateful that their tuition money, usually blown up with fireworks, was instead put to remodeling Willet Science Center into Mercer’s own emergency bunker.

“The education of our students is incredibly important,” President Bill Underwood said. “The administration is determined to be able to have students attend class at all times, not even the apocalypse will take us down.”

When approving the plans for the Willet Bunker, the administration decided the best rooms to construct in the bunker were classrooms, a faculty lounge with a window revealing a view of the burnt out sun, a Merpo Segway parking room, and a genuine replica of the cafeteria, asbestos and all.

Continuity is a must, so the hallways of Willet Bunker are patrolled by Orange Merpo Segways at all times. Students must be careful where they put their bags for fear of being ticketed for abandoning property in restricted yellow-wall areas.

Classrooms are also used as dorms so that professors can enter and begin teaching whenever they please, seeing as there is no day and night in the groundbreaking educational facility. Along with flexible class times, students are enjoying the consistent weather below ground.

“I really love bunker weather because I never have to worry about walking through tornados and hurricanes to get to class anymore,” fifth-year sophomore Sarah Survivalist said. “I am always reminded that I am forever a Mercer Bear because our weather consists of the orange twinkle lights that run throughout the bunker. What other color would they be?”

In the Willet Bunker, since the seasons no longer exist, Mercer operates on a trimester system, with each trimester being 4 months. Also, the minimum course load is now 20 hours and the average amount of hours taken by students a trimester is 30.

“I really love this trimeter system, I’ve been able to take every class offered by the College of Living Arts, some of them even twice,” seventh-year senior Lernen Addictus said happily. “I heard from the persevering professors that the administration was considering requiring us to have a degree from every school before we can graduate. I would be incredibly excited if the rumors were true.”

The Class of 2024 graduation is tomorrow in the cafeteria. Holding with bear tradition, it will also be ‘Fried Chicken Wednesday’. Seniors cannot wait to collect their third diplomas and go straight to eating their favorite lunch special. Other subterranean favorites include ‘Miracle-Glo Mushroom Monday’, ‘Toxic Taco Tuesday’ and ‘Fission Fish Friday’.

“Life in the ‘bunk’ is much simpler than when we were on the outside. I love going to class 26 hours a day, 9 days a week,” three-time first-year dropout Gemma Ray said. “Life here might be different than it was before the Earth died, but it is better now because we can pursue academia with our whole selves for the rest of our lives. I just hope I can get some scholarship extensions.”

Many students have been petitioning for more scholarship money after tuition has increased 13 percent each trimester since the bunker has opened. Only one percent of the student body has not gone into severe debt to their beloved university.

To help relieve the debt crisis, the Office of Financial Aid has established the ‘Learn-It-Off’ program. Students participating in the program are required to attend classes for the next 100 years to pay off their underground mountain of debt.


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