After the early success of the Student Government Association’s partnership with Mercer Police to forgive parking tickets with canned goods, MerPo has announced a second strategy to absolve parking fines: students can elect to wrestle Toby in the MerPo building’s holding cell.
The “Trial by Toby” cage matches will last only about 15 minutes, MerPo’s press release said, or until either participant taps out.
“We normally initiate new pledges with, you know, feats of strength,” Thadeus Chad ‘28, who was wearing an ATO hat at the time, said cryptically. “But now it’s a University-sponsored event so we don’t have to hide anything and Student Affairs can’t sanction us for it.”
Forgiving parking fines is expected to dip into the typical revenue source that fuels the police department’s petty cash reserves. That money usually goes into office parties and, effectively, directly into Z Beans’ coffers.
However, the department will correct for the revenue loss by selling tickets for each wrestling match. There will be limited seating to watch from just outside MerPo’s holding cell, and prices will start at $5. A live-streamed option may be added in the future if enough demand exists for watching students get taken down and cradled by Toby.
When asked for comment, Mercer’s lawyers only stared blankly and shook their heads as they muttered that “liability means nothing to these people.”
Toby could not be reached for comment before press time, but he was reportedly seen frantically bench pressing in the UC gym and heard fretting about a potential for developing cauliflower ear.
Note: This is a satirical piece produced by The Cluster team in honor of April Fool's Day. Thanks for reading!
Porter Osborne Jr., who hails from rural Brewtonton county, is an avid prankster and purveyor of hijinks. The pre-medicine student is a devotee of climbing – always with a companion – to the platform of the Godsey Administration Building's spire whenever he gets a chance.
