Mercer is set to sign the documentation that officially sanctions the Connell Student Center for demolition on Friday, April 3. The building will be replaced by a large orange parking deck and a 100-foot tall bear mural. Both constructions will begin promptly over the summer.
The CSC currently houses the Fresh Food Company, one of the two dining hall options at the university, as well as The Drop, the university's ghost kitchen and various office space used by student and administrative departments.
All of these vital services will be "gone, reduced to atoms and asbestos" Dex Plode, Mercer's head of demolitions, said with a glimmer in his eye.
Replacing the CSC's spacious footprint between the historic quad and Cruz Plaza will be a foreboding, 20-story parking deck.
"Twenty stories tall – for nearly 20 years of Bill Underwood's presidency," Plode said.
The I Love Bill Underwood Parking Deck, upon completion, will be Mercer's tallest building, dwarfing the historic Godsey Adminstration Building.
Incoming freshman will perhaps create a new tradition, Plode added: scaling the concrete facade of the deck rather than the spire of Godsey during their fall semester UNV classes.
Plode said the roughly 1,100 parking spaces fit into the 230-foot tall structure will promptly serve student needs, as one of the biggest complaints amongst students is parking availability.
"Students who drive two minutes from the Lofts to get to class are some of the most heavily affected by the school's egregious lack of parking, and we really can't have that" said Otto Mo'Beal, Mercer's resident car expert. "You never hear anyone complain about food availability or quality, but always about the lack of easily accessible, central parking."
Mo'Beal, who is a member of a local anti-walkable cities organization, added he felt the decision to demolish was obvious.
The CSC, which was built in 1957, and its "stupendously ugly facade" as well as central location to amenities like Cruz Plaza provided the ideal location to build parking, Mo'Beal said.
The University's decision seems to follow in the footsteps of its long-standing partnership with Macon. The city has approved construction on multiple parking decks in the past year, despite the fact that five multi-story decks exist in the historic downtown already.
As for the student organizations and cafeteria workers that the ILBUPD will replace?
Standing in the Mercer Hall parking lot next to his BMW, Mo'Beal would only reply "Go Bears!" before driving to his next class in the McCorkle Music Building.
Note: This is a satirical piece produced by The Cluster team in honor of April Fool's Day. Thanks for reading!
Porter Osborne Jr., who hails from rural Brewtonton county, is an avid prankster and purveyor of hijinks. The pre-medicine student is a devotee of climbing – always with a companion – to the platform of the Godsey Administration Building's spire whenever he gets a chance.
