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Tuesday, Apr 23, 2024
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Hi, engineers!

Q) If Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, and Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, could Fuzzy Wuzzy be made fuzzy with science?

A) Before we go any farther I will need to request that you always capitalize Science, lest you anger it.
Well, my go-to choice for how to deal with this situation is some carpeting and glue. Assuming you wanted a more permanent solution I would recommend some Gene Therapy fun.
So how it works is you take some of his DNA, find the “fuzzy gene” which is presumably messed up, and fix it so it is more like other bears (or, if you knew what to do, perhaps super-charge it for extra extreme fuzziness). Then you load this DNA into a specially designed virus and give the virus to Fuzzy Wuzzy. The virus then runs around inside the Wuzz-ster and changes his DNA into the new DNA (which is very similar except has extra fuzziness), until eventually Fuzz-dawg’s immune system defeats the virus and it stops. Hopefully, the virus managed to change enough of his DNA so that as those cells divide and multiply in his body he will quickly have most of his cells that are supposed to be making hair replaced with cells that are making all kind of hair and will become a quite fuzzy bear.
This is the method they used in that new Planet of the Apes movie, the Bioshock game series, and the Will Smith vampire-kill-stravaganza of I Am Legend. The main reason that we aren’t pouring money into this research line to make ourselves faster, smarter, stronger, and fuzzier is because you could.... uh... also get like loads of cancer from it. Also, it tends to not work 100% of the time, or even like 50% of the time, because if your body kills off the virus or decides to reject the cells with changed DNA then the whole trial would have been to no effect. So for an incredible amount of money and work you could probably get Fuzzy Wuzzy some pretty awesome hair worthy of a 1980’s rock band, but you would also be running the risk of giving a bear cancer (and who can deal with that on their conscience?).

Q) Dude, I’m always running late. So I thought I should start traveling at the speed of light. Do I need a spacesuit or a jet pack or something for that? Can you guys find those things for me? Are they dangerous? Would it be easier to travel at the speed of sound?

A) Okay, so you wake up 30 seconds before your class in Knight Hall and your professor has a terrible attendance policy. You pretty much have three options: cry, go back to sleep, or run as fast as you possibly can. Now, if you are looking at taking the third option, you might be tempted to think going the speed of light or even Mach I is a good idea. It is not. Assuming you could even reach the speed of sound (330 m/s) your body would experience so many g’s from the massive acceleration you would black out and die. No space suit or pressure suit will save you. But this is Hi, engineers. We solve practical problems. In your case, set an alarm 15 minutes earlier and put it on the opposite side of the room so you have to get out of bed to turn it off.
The military’s SR-71 Blackbird Stealth Jet flies normally about 3.2 times the speed of sound, and by the time it lands the canopy is about 500 degrees fahrenheit and the jet would actually be a few inches longer thanks to heat expansion. While you may not be going quite that fast, you are also not made out of nearly as much metal, so I would highly recommend not attempting anything near supersonic speed unaided.
We recommend the Wake n’ Bacon Bacon Alarm Clock. You can find it online. A few minutes before you are suppossed to wake up it drops some fresh strips of bacon into a grill for cooking and opens up vents to allow you to smell it. Instead of being woken up by an annoying alarm, you are woken up by the sweet, sweet smell and then taste of bacon. Although if you do manage to sleep through the bacon smell (you monster!) it also beeps when you are suppossed to actually wake up.

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