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Friday, Oct 15, 2021

Dean Pearson finally ponies up for parking changes

Students will no longer be jockeying for parking spaces.
Students will no longer be jockeying for parking spaces.

With recent squabbles over parking at Mercer University, the administration has decided to bring the school back to the basics.

Dean of Students Douglas Pearson made the final decision regarding parking.

“We thought really hard, WWJMD? What Would Jesse Mercer Do? Well, he’d ride a horse,” Pearson said.

Mercer is no longer allowing students to have cars on campus. Instead, they are allowed one or two horses.

“Carriages are allowed so long as they are replicas from 1769-1841, Jesse Mercer’s lifespan,” Pearson said.

The student body seems to have a mixed review on the new rule.

“I think it’ll be a lot better. You don’t have to worry about drinking and riding a horse. You don’t have to worry about horse accidents,” said Equestrian McHorse, a junior biology major.

One huge concern to some students is the smell of horses.

“Campus is going to reek of sweaty horse. It gets hot in Macon which is going to make it even worse. The administration needs to figure that out,” said Volk S. Wagon, a senior engineering student.

However, the administration is adamant that the smell will not be a problem.

“In (Jesse) Mercer’s day, there was no air conditioning or Febreeze. They had horses on campus. It wasn’t a huge problem.” said The Office of Student Life in an email.

The switch from automobiles to horses will occur on April 1. All horses on campus must have a parking decal on the front left side of their head. Horses without a decal will be towed.


Note: This is a satirical piece produced by the Cluster team in honor of April Fools Day. Thanks for reading!


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