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(04/25/12 7:17pm)
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20)
Happy birthday, Taurus! Between all the end-of-semester assignments you have due and the daunting reality of finals, it might seem as if the universe is prohibiting you from celebrating your birth. And it is. But don’t let that bum you out. Demand at least a two-hour study break for birthday dinner with friends. If you accept libations, make sure to edit your inebriated work before submitting it.
Single? Invite your crush to your birthday dinner.
Attached? Don’t be offended if your partner is too stressed with finals to get you a gift.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20)
Happy birthday, Taurus! Between all the end-of-semester assignments you have due and the daunting reality of finals, it might seem as if the universe is prohibiting you from celebrating your birth. And it is. But don’t let that bum you out. Demand at least a two-hour study break for birthday dinner with friends. If you accept libations, make sure to edit your inebriated work before submitting it.
Single? Invite your crush to your birthday dinner.
Attached? Don’t be offended if your partner is too stressed with finals to get you a gift.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22)
You’re actually too healthy, Cancer. This must be remedied at once. No more vegetables for you. From now on, you are only allowed to eat fast food burgers, boxes of Coco Puffs (sans milk), potato chips and those milkshakes they just started selling at Bear Necessities. Also, you are to have absolutely zero exercise. If you’re expected to walk somewhere, you can’t go. 50 pounds heavier, you’re gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it.
Single? Cool.
Attached? Don’t share your delicious eats.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22)
You’re about to enter a new chapter of your life, Leo, and it will be marked by outstanding success. You will flourish in whatever endeavor you undertake, especially those in the creative fields. This is not to say that you should not prepare for the transition. Success in the long-term grows upon a foundation of wholehearted, proactive initial involvement. There is no time for half-assing in your bright near-future.
Single? You’ll be successful in this field, too. Wear protection.
Attached? Don’t let your success disrupt the balance of your relationship.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22)
You’re going to need to rely on a large dosage of stimulants (specifically caffeine, you tweaking fiend) in order to make it through the next few weeks, Virgo. You’re buried under a metric crapton of schoolwork, and nothing is disrupting your productivity quite as badly as sleeping. (Okay, so Facebook isn’t exactly helping either.) Lay claim to your favorite booth in Tarver’s 24-hour study room, invite some friends, and get everything done.
Single? Your true love only comes out at night.
Attached? Invite your partner to your coffee-fueled fiestas.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23)
You’re feeling exceptionally expressive but can’t seem to get anyone to listen to you, Libra. Try accessing your overflowing emotions through art. Specifically, try something with your hands. Do something that’ll stay under your fingernails for a while. Try your hand at pottery or sculpture. Don’t worry about the finished product being perfect; just concentrate on what feels right at any given creative moment.
Single? Brood. People dig brooding artists.
Attached? Do your art alone, but make something for your partner. Or use your partner as inspiration.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21)
Change of life-plans, Scorpio. Your true calling is actually to train koalas. Lucky. So go ahead and drop out of school, quit all current employment, and move to where the koalas are. (Is that Australia? You tell me. You’re the koala expert.) Load your suitcase with preservative-chocked pastries to tide you over while you’re in the forest and to share with the koalas. Nothing gains a koala’s trust like a Zebra Cake.
Single? Koalas will love you even if you don’t comb your hair or bathe.
Attached? You have to do this koala adventure alone.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21)
Love is in the air for you, Leo. Whether you’re just developing a new romantic interest or you’ve been in a relationship for a stretch, you feel more romantically drawn to someone that you have in years. You get giddy when you hear a certain person’s voice and you’re dreaming of silly shit like holding hands and picnics. Moreover, this excess of cuddly emotions is reciprocated. You’re so cute people want to squeeze your eyeballs out.
Single? Not for long.
Attached? If there was a cutest couple superlative, you’d get it.
Lucky Days: Mondays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19)
Someone very close to you needs you right now, Capricorn. You might have noticed a loved one behaving differently, seeming distant and melancholy. Be there for that person. Just listening to your friend over a cup of coffee, letting him or her know that you’ll be there and care indefinitely could vastly improve his or her current state. Your friendship could be exactly what this person needs to get out of that slump.
Single? Do not take advantage of a distressed friend’s vulnerability.
Attached? If your partner seems to want space, allow it.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Saturdays.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18)
You’re looking to make some sort of meaningful life change, Aquarius. Maybe you’re considering moving, changing majors or taking your relationship to the next level. Whatever it is that you’re doing, remember that drastic change for the wrong reason won’t necessarily fix your problems. If you’re prone to restlessness, you’ll only find solace in change for a brief while. As soon as the newness wears off, you’ll still feel like you’re stagnating.
Single? There’s no harm in that fling staying casual.
Attached? Don’t pop the question until you’ve had a serious conversation with your partner.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20)
Pinpoint your happy place, Pisces. If you don’t have one readily available, create one. Soon you will find yourself under a pile of obligations and stress, and you’ll need the occasional break. Find somewhere you can be comfortable and alone with your thoughts. Keep it organized enough that the sight of it won’t stress you out. The more relaxed you are in your happy place the more easily you’ll be able to sort through your problems.
Single? An attractive friend will confide in you.
Attached? Your partner might struggle with your need for alone time. Too bad.
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19)
I’m going to miss instructing you on how to properly live your life by the stars, Aries. This year of silly divination has consistently given me something to look forward to. You’re going to have to live your life without my guidance now. To learn more about the stars and maybe start your own astrological wanderings, go to the planetarium at the Macon Museum of Arts and Sciences. On peyote.
Single? You will find someone who fascinates you, but beware. You might not be able to keep up with this person for too long.
Attached? Have 20 babies together.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.
(04/25/12 7:16pm)
Q) Could you dig a hole through the center of the Earth to create a super-fast highway to China?
A) No! You could not! Directly below your feet right now is actually the Indian Ocean (assuming you are reading this in the United States and not in the far-flung future where everything written by the Engineering Dream Team is venerated and kept as holy records in the Museum of Science on the North Pole, in which case the South Pole is below your feet). You could probably build a “train station” there and use normal trains or helicopters or something to get you to the nearby countries like Australia, China, and Japan. (It’s at least way, way closer than we are.)
Now onto the problems with this plan that you will have to solve to get your center of the earth railway up and running: firstly, the center of the Earth is hot. Really hot. Like full of molten iron and stuff. It is an estimated 7,232 degrees Fahrenheit. (Metals like iron melt at around 2,750 degrees, so that’s really hot.) So you are going to need some awesome air conditioners or something in there to keep it reasonable.
Now we have to decide how you are going to travel through the super tunnel (around 8,000 miles long). We vote for a cool metal capsule that you load the people and stuff into and then a sweet huge robotic arm loads you into the vaccum sealed tunnel and drops you into the tunnel.
The tunnel does need to be emptied of air and everything. If you have any air or dust particles in your tunnel you will have a lot of friction. First of all, that’s gonna heat your awesome metal capsule up a lot, like a spaceship coming in for reentry, which should be avoided if possible. Secondly, the air friction will slow you down, so you will stop at terminal velocity, so you will only have enough momentum to make it part of the way back out the other end and you will need rockets or something to push you the rest of the way (which is not ideal). Since our tunnel will be a complete vaccuum, our capsule will continue to speed up the whole way down, getting an incredible velocity by the time it hits the center of the Earth.
A falling object not affected by wind or any other resistance moves using the equation y=(1/2)*g*t^2, where y is how far it has moved from its starting position (in our case 4000 miles to the center of the earth), g is the force of gravity (32.2 feet per second squared), and t is the time in seconds (which we are going to solve for). By solving that equation for t, we can find that it should take us 1,142 seconds to reach the center of the Earth, which is 19 minutes. After that point “down” will change for the people in the capsule and they will suddenly be going upwards at a huge speed. The huge velocity they will have at that point (around 36,800 feet per second or 25,000 miles an hour) will carry the capsule the rest of the way back up to the Indian Ocean station. In fact, if there is no friction at all in the tunnel, they will take the exact same amount of time as they took to reach the center (1,142 seconds), and when they reach the exact height above sea level as when they started in America they will be going exactly zero miles an hour.
The total trip would be an estimated 2,284 seconds or 38 minutes. The estimated travel time by plane to Australia from here in the U.S. is about 15 hours (assuming your plane doesn’t make stops). So, you just saved a lot of people a lot of time. That flight to Australia also would take a lot of fuel, whereas our capsule just used a grand total of not a single bit of fuel to get here, using nothing but sweet gravity. So assuming you could somehow make this giant tunnel through the Earth and keep it reasonably cool and completely free of any air or dust, it would be totally awesome. So get someone to work on that, or give someone here a couple billion in grant dollars and we will get on it for you (after we do some critical research in Vegas).
Thanks for sending in your questions and thanks for reading our column this year! Will we be here next year? We both will and won’t, and until someone observes it, this will be Schrodinger’s Column!
(04/11/12 7:27pm)
Aries (3/21 - 4/19)
Happy birthday, Aries! A serious celebration is in order. (The kind where you wake up with your pants on backwards and marker phalluses stained into your forehead. And a new haircut. And the inexplicable presence of a domesticated raccoon.) In your debauchery, do not overlook the celebration-worthy happenings in the lives of your friends. Example: your amigo will be upset if you can’t stop your own party long enough to congratulate him on his grad school acceptance.
Single? Invite strangers.
Attached? Pretend to like the gift from your partner.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20)
Congratulations are in order, Taurus! Whatever it is that you’ve achieved, make sure to reward yourself and inform your loved ones. However, do be aware that tragedy often follows on the heels of success. Do not be surprised if misfortune befalls you soon after your accomplishment. Don’t let the sudden twist of fortune upset you. The wheel is constantly spinning; there is no permanence in this topsy-turvy world.
Single? Buy your crush celebratory libations (such as Kool Aid).
Attached? Don’t act superior to your lover.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21)
You are worried about a loved one, Gemini. While the concern is probably physical, you are also adroitly aware of the calamitous mental states of those you care about. Be there emotionally and physically for your loved one, but do not let the pain of others define your existence, or you too will find yourself in an unfortunate state. Allot yourself time to relax and meditate. You owe it to yourself, and it will ultimately help avoid problems in the future.
Single? A little harmless flirting can relieve stress.
Attached? Your lover wants to understand what you are feeling. Be honest.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22)
Give yourself a break from social activity, Cancer. As much as you love your friends, they can become stressful, and the struggle to keep up with them is slowly wearing down on you. The next time they try to convince you to go to the bar or on any other adventure, do not be afraid to tell them no. Sometimes you just need to stay in, eat grapes and do crossword puzzles. There is nothing wrong with that.
Single? Avoid superficial relations by not hooking up with a stranger at the Bird.
Attached? You can occasionally turn down hanging out with your partner if you want.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22)
You’re going to want to backup all of your files, Leo. (Or at least the ones you wish to keep). When you let the ancient smoke out of your laptop and your entire collection of photos, documents and music disappears with it, you’ll be glad you took the time to secure them. It also couldn’t hurt to start saving up for a new computer. Alternatively, get the okay from your professors to turn in papers written in calligraphy. (Also, learn calligraphy.)
Single? It might be useful to lose all of those photos of your ex.
Attached? Start writing love letters with calligraphy.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22)
You’re likely to win a substantial sum of money soon, Virgo. You will achieve this end through the tried-and-true method of gambling. You can try to get rich using legal gambling avenues such as the lottery, or you can go a bit under the radar and bust out some cards or dice. Either way, make sure to quit while you’re ahead, and don’t forget you’ve got to be in it to win it.
Single? Dress fancily when you enter into the gambling arena. It’ll let everyone know you’re a big deal.
Attached? You could spend the money you’re going to make on a nice milkshake for your lover.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23)
Time for gluttony, Libra! Any ideas you had about moderation, forget about them. Who cares about caloric intake or liver health? Not you! You need all of the chocolate, steak and chocolate covered steak that this town has to offer. Sign up for a credit card and see how quickly you can max it out. Extra credit if everything you get with it is perishable.
Single? Share with your crush: not enough to threaten your need to consume everything, just enough to say “You’re special.”
Attached? Demand that your partner feeds you grapes and truffles. In a bikini.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21)
You’re searching for some sort of great pattern to the universe, on the hunt for the great self actualization in the sky, Scorpio. While lofty goals are certainly respectable, they’re far from achievable at this point. Try taking each of your conundrums and writing a haiku for it. This small poetic structure will best control the vastness of your mental wanderings. (If that doesn’t work, you could always try selling your soul. You’ll get answers and hellacious guitar skills.)
Single? All the better for personal discovery.
Attached? Your partner doesn’t understand what it is you’re looking for.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21)
It’s time to get fit for summer, Sagittarius. You might as well do this in the most intimidating way possible. Industrial Macon is home to Middle Georgia Boxing, a boxing gym for the whole family. Go there, get a membership, and invite the whole family (Mom too). You’ll tone your body, get a couple of impressive concussion stories and be the worst person to rob. Who doesn’t want to kick an ass every now and then?
Single? All sorts of violent hotties hang out at the boxing gym.
Attached? Bring your significant other.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19)
You will experience problems within your home soon, Capricorn. Whether it’s feuds with roommates or a cat that won’t stop peeing on your laundry, you’re going to have to think quickly in order to solve your domestic discomforts. If tensions are starting to build between cohabitants, try going to the park or getting some frozen yogurt together, to reinforce the friendship before capitalizing on domestic disruptions. If your cat starts clawing at the hamper, buy a spray bottle.
Single? More cats!
Attached? Your partner is causing some domestic issues.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18)
You’re experiencing an irrational level of fear right now, Aquarius. Perhaps something recently happened in your life to make you skittish, but you can’t allow that thing to control you. (If you do, the terrorists win!) When you start to panic, try taking ten deep breaths and fix yourself a nice cup of tea. If that doesn’t work, violence is always a useful catalyst for bravery.
Single? Try imagining your crush in his or her underwear. For inconspicuousness’ sake, carry a well-placed notebook.
Attached? Invite your partner to your panic room.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20)
Turn off the TV and socialize by reading aloud with your friends, Pisces. Pick a good book of contemporary poetry or a prose work with a great beat to it (I recommend Kerouac’s The Subterraneans), put on a pot of coffee (or a bottle of vino) and take turns getting lost in the timbre of your friends’ voices. It’s much more engaging than drooling dumbly at Jersey Shore.
Single? People love social intellectuals. Gather your book club and watch the underpants drop like flies.
Attached? Literary interaction will allow for the formation of a deeper bond.
Lucky days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Saturdays.
(04/11/12 7:25pm)
Q) How big of an explosion would you get from having a grain of sand going the speed of light?
A) Nice! A question with some good math-y meat to it! In order to calculate this, we are going to have to make a few assumptions.
We will assume that your grain of sand is about 1.57 milligrams (which seems reasonable based on what I found on the Internet). Secondly, nothing can EVER, EVER go the speed of light, so we will instead assume more like 95% the speed of light (which is still 285,000,000 meters per second or 637,085,798 miles per hour).
Normally we could use our normal equation of Kinetic Energy = ½ * mass * velocity^2, but unfortunately this equation breaks down as objects start approaching the speed of light. You see, as you approach the speed of light your mass begins to increase, continuing to increase up to infinity as you approach the speed of light. This is one of the main reasons that it is impossible to go faster than the speed of light, because once you weight infinity it takes infinite additional power to make you go even the tiniest bit faster, so it is physically impossible to go any faster.
Anyway, back to the question: we will have to use the much less-used relativistic Kinetic Energy (K.E. from now on because I am lazy) equation to figure out how much force our grain of sand will have on impact. This equation is K.E. = mass * speed of light ^ 2 * (gamma-1). First thing you should notice is that everything except the gamma part is K.E. = mc^2. (Thanks Einstein!) This means that the energy you will be getting out of this object is almost the entirety of the energy that exists inside of the object, multiplied by some other number gamma. Gamma is defined as gamma= 1/ SquareRoot(1-(velocity/speed of light)^2). This is a little less friendly of an equation, but it helps us find out how much extra energy our grain of sand will get because of the mass increase due to the excessive speed. I will spare you the full calculations, but after solving for gamma and then K.E. we can see that the total Kinetic Energy of this little speedy death-bomb is 3 * 10^11 joules (for the non-math people out there this is a 3 with 11 zeroes after it). If we convert this to the much more awesome scale of equivalent Tons of TNT, we get 74.5 tons. This means that our tiny little grain of sand going 95% the speed of light will have as big of an explosion as a huge pile of 74.5 tons of TNT. To put that in perspective that is about 5 dump trucks full of TNT. If we increase our speed to 99.9% the speed of light (ludicrous speed), then it equals out to 722 tons of TNT.
Both of these, however, would be tiny on the scale of nuclear weapons, so we need to step it up to perhaps a golf ball(45.93 grams). If we can get this bundle of joy up to 99.9% of the speed of light, we get 21,108,987 tons of TNT (21 megatons). Now that is a good explosion!
This is much higher than a typical U.S. nuclear missile (which is usually only half of a megaton or less). The only bomb on earth larger than that was the Cold War era Tsar Bomba from Russia, which was 50 megatons. Because I don’t like being showed up by the Commies, lets go ahead and take that dump truck full of TNT from earlier (about 15 tons) and get it going at 99.9% the speed of light. This gives us an explosion of 4,741,873 Megatons or about 5 Teratons. This should be able to handle anybody you really want to get rid of (and their town, and their city, and their country, and around half of their continent).
The moral of the story is that if you see something going the speed of light, get out of the way! Of course, if there was an object passing by Pluto at 99% the speed of light, by the time the light from it got to us so we would see it coming, we would have about six minutes of warning to try to save the world. So, you know, sweet dreams!
(03/28/12 8:37pm)
Aries (3/21 - 4/19)
Happy birthday, Aries! You’ve found yourself bored and unmotivated recently. As much as you might desire a break from your mundane state, you can’t bring yourself to care enough to make it happen. The solution is easy: be dependent on someone else! If you see another person and you find yourself wondering how she is having such a great time, get clingy! Sometimes, the best escape from yourself is through the aid of someone who escapes everything.
Single? Maybe you and your muse could hook up.
Attached? Don’t bore your partner.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20)
Don’t be afraid to be exceptional, Taurus. Your personality sticks out in strangers’ memories. Fortify this effect by making eye contact, shaking hands strongly and speaking your mind. Going out of your way even the slightest bit to leave an impression will work out well for you. If you are especially on the top of your game on April 4, you will see rewards.
Single? Be the independent force that other singles wish they could become. Cook nice meals for yourself. Go out with friends.
Attached? If you are bored with your partner, wait it out.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21)
An unexpected encounter with someone from your past will leave you feeling uncertain of yourself, Gemini. Remember that it is perfectly acceptable to change your mind about anything, including people. However, it is unwise to change your opinion too readily and completely. While people can change, they can also pretend to have changed. Open your mind, but guard your trust.
Single? If this figure from your past now seems ideal romantically, take it slow.
Attached? Listen to your partner’s intuition.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22)
Usted necesita aprender una lengua otra, Cancer. Si quiere hablar con gente interesante de todo el mundo, no puede quedar ignorante. (Al mismo tiempo, es difícil a empezar cuando tiene 20 años.) Dudo que ha tratara utilizar una lengua nueva en sus ratos libres. En el futuro, hable y lea en una lengua que no conoce muy bien. Estará contento.
Single? Los extranjeros son muy atractivos. Cuando los extranjeros y ud. puede hablar juntos, trate ganar sus corazones.
Attached? Su novio/a querría hablar con usted en su lengua nueva.
Lucky days: Sábado.
Unlucky Days: Viernes.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22)
You’re planning something mischievous, Leo. While naughty little breaks from normality might be fun, be aware of who might get caught in the crossfire of your plan. Don’t harm an innocent person for shits and giggles. Be conscious of the effect that your behavior might have on others. That being said, if you can hatch out your plan sans-casualties, do it. Do it and laugh.
Single? Your desire to make a splash and break the rules will make you seem utterly sexy to someone you wouldn’t expect.
Attached? Don’t take your partner too seriously.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22)
Your addiction to television and pop culture is becoming disruptive of your social life, Virgo. It’s time to sacrifice at least one of the shows you watch religiously. Spend the time you would be keeping up with the Kardashians (or whatever it is you kids do) talking with friends over coffee. You don’t have to live vicariously through the false lives of celebrities. You could just, you know, live.
Single? You will form a deeper connection with someone during your mandatory people time.
Attached? If the only thing your partner and you do as a couple is watch TV, your relationship needs work.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23)
Your family misses you, Libra. Everyone knows how very busy you are and don’t wish to impose, but occasionally you have to allot some of your precious time to your relatives. (They might say they don’t take your distance personally, but they do.) Call home right now and check up on everyone. Even if it’s only for a few minutes, your family will really appreciate that you made time for them.
Single? Look to a relative for love advice.
Attached? Tell your partner your favorite childhood memory.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Saturdays.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21)
Nudity isn’t just a yes for you, Scorpio, it’s a hell yes! The entire winter you wore cumbersome clothes: coats, socks, pants. Now it’s spring, and you need to let everything air out. Ditch your threads and sport some serious sunscreen. Proceed in this manner to do everything you do throughout your day. Go to class, shop for groceries, read the new edition of The Cluster with your friends. Sweet, sweet freedom!
Single? People are naturally attracted to naked people.
Attached? Go out to eat together. Naked.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21)
Your stress level is through the roof right now, Sagittarius. The best cure for this is kittens. Grill and chop up a chicken breast or two, wander to basically any of the residential areas downtown, and watch the feline parade congregate around you. Every time you get to pet one, give it a bit of chicken. You will be the most popular source of eats (for cats) on the block. If you find one who seems particularly loving and you just can’t leave it, take it home. Congrats! You now have a pet.
Single? You don’t need human companionship now that you have kitties.
Attached? Name the cat.
Lucky Days: Mondays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19)
It’s time to start formulating your summer plans, Capricorn. Sure, it might be convenient to get a job at your hometown Kroger and save up for tuition… but wouldn’t you enjoy yourself more if you moved to Atlantic City and wrote personalized poems for drunk gamblers that they could keep for only $6? Wouldn’t it be more meaningful to land a job on a cruise ship and have a fling with one of the entertainers? There are alternatives to the practical. Consider them.
Single? Cruise ship fling!
Attached? Invite your partner to become entangled in your alternative summer.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18)
Speak solely with sentences saturated with senseless alliteration, Aquarius. Friends and foes will find it funny, furthermore fascinating, that you focus so fearlessly on phrasing. Don’t dare describe dysfunctional derelicts with damning devices. Rather, be reticent with reproofs and reprobation, and praise the polite people who prefer to please the public than loathsomely loosen their bowels on loads of laundry.
Single? Seduce some sexy suitors.
Attached? Cute couples cuddle.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20)
It seems like you’ll be doing schoolwork and other burdensome obligations for the rest of your life, Pisces. And, let’s be honest, until you get a bit of an attitude and stop caring so much how you look on paper, you’re never going to be free. The next time a professor tells you to turn an assignment in on Blackboard, instead submit a crudely drawn picture of a unicorn. You won’t really look good on paper anymore, and you’ll get back some free time.
Single? People dig crudely drawn unicorns.
Attached? Now you have time for a date.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.
(03/28/12 8:34pm)
Q) If Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, and Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, could Fuzzy Wuzzy be made fuzzy with science?
A) Before we go any farther I will need to request that you always capitalize Science, lest you anger it.
Well, my go-to choice for how to deal with this situation is some carpeting and glue. Assuming you wanted a more permanent solution I would recommend some Gene Therapy fun.
So how it works is you take some of his DNA, find the “fuzzy gene” which is presumably messed up, and fix it so it is more like other bears (or, if you knew what to do, perhaps super-charge it for extra extreme fuzziness). Then you load this DNA into a specially designed virus and give the virus to Fuzzy Wuzzy. The virus then runs around inside the Wuzz-ster and changes his DNA into the new DNA (which is very similar except has extra fuzziness), until eventually Fuzz-dawg’s immune system defeats the virus and it stops. Hopefully, the virus managed to change enough of his DNA so that as those cells divide and multiply in his body he will quickly have most of his cells that are supposed to be making hair replaced with cells that are making all kind of hair and will become a quite fuzzy bear.
This is the method they used in that new Planet of the Apes movie, the Bioshock game series, and the Will Smith vampire-kill-stravaganza of I Am Legend. The main reason that we aren’t pouring money into this research line to make ourselves faster, smarter, stronger, and fuzzier is because you could.... uh... also get like loads of cancer from it. Also, it tends to not work 100% of the time, or even like 50% of the time, because if your body kills off the virus or decides to reject the cells with changed DNA then the whole trial would have been to no effect. So for an incredible amount of money and work you could probably get Fuzzy Wuzzy some pretty awesome hair worthy of a 1980’s rock band, but you would also be running the risk of giving a bear cancer (and who can deal with that on their conscience?).
Q) Dude, I’m always running late. So I thought I should start traveling at the speed of light. Do I need a spacesuit or a jet pack or something for that? Can you guys find those things for me? Are they dangerous? Would it be easier to travel at the speed of sound?
A) Okay, so you wake up 30 seconds before your class in Knight Hall and your professor has a terrible attendance policy. You pretty much have three options: cry, go back to sleep, or run as fast as you possibly can. Now, if you are looking at taking the third option, you might be tempted to think going the speed of light or even Mach I is a good idea. It is not. Assuming you could even reach the speed of sound (330 m/s) your body would experience so many g’s from the massive acceleration you would black out and die. No space suit or pressure suit will save you. But this is Hi, engineers. We solve practical problems. In your case, set an alarm 15 minutes earlier and put it on the opposite side of the room so you have to get out of bed to turn it off.
The military’s SR-71 Blackbird Stealth Jet flies normally about 3.2 times the speed of sound, and by the time it lands the canopy is about 500 degrees fahrenheit and the jet would actually be a few inches longer thanks to heat expansion. While you may not be going quite that fast, you are also not made out of nearly as much metal, so I would highly recommend not attempting anything near supersonic speed unaided.
We recommend the Wake n’ Bacon Bacon Alarm Clock. You can find it online. A few minutes before you are suppossed to wake up it drops some fresh strips of bacon into a grill for cooking and opens up vents to allow you to smell it. Instead of being woken up by an annoying alarm, you are woken up by the sweet, sweet smell and then taste of bacon. Although if you do manage to sleep through the bacon smell (you monster!) it also beeps when you are suppossed to actually wake up.
(03/28/12 8:18pm)
As little kids, we were always told various snippets of wisdom of what to do and not to do in order to keep ourselves safe and healthy. We believed these wise words, but only to an extent. Eventually, we reached the point where we would much rather try things out for ourselves instead of listening to what someone told us to do.
Testing the waters could be a rather rewarding experience. However, you need to be careful. There are select things out there that could kill you. Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking about poisonous things. So before you go and explore the world, take a step back because I bet you didn’t expect THAT to be poisonous!
Table salt is one of those things that you don’t think too much about. Guess what?! As little as a single level tablespoon of table salt, ingested all at one time, can cause seizures in a toddler. Two tablespoons can be fatal.
For those who play sports or have arthritis or random muscle pains, you might have muscle rubs like Icy Hot or Bengay lying around. If you look at the label, the active ingredient of many muscle rubs is methyl salicylate. This is a chemical that is very similar to aspirin. Aspirin poisoning causes symptoms such as ringing in the ears, vomiting, drowsiness, fluid in the lungs and seizures. If a child were to get a hold of a muscle rub and somehow ingest at least one tablespoon of the extra strength cream, they would be ingesting the equivalent to 19 aspirin 325mg tablets or 78 low dose baby aspirin tablets. The end result would not be pretty.
Nutmeg is one of those spices that is usually associated with the holidays. Did you know that nutmeg is actually a potent favorite for teenagers looking for a buzz? Teenagers can be rather ignorant as they are trying to snort and smoke the stuff. Nutmeg contains myristicin, which in high levels can lead to dizziness, anxiety, nausea, vomiting, tachycardia, headache and hallucinations. If you were to inject nutmeg intravenously, it is extremely poisonous.
With the Cherry Blossom Festival being a popular annual event for us Maconites, a good question to ask is if Cherry Blossoms are actually poisonous. Fortunately, you can eat cherry blossoms and be fine. In fact, some people put them in salads. Who knew?
However, if you have taken a stroll through campus, you may have noticed the bright pink and purple blossoms of the azaleas that are currently in bloom. The flowers, leaves, and even the honey of the plant contain andromedotoxin. You don’t really need to know what that is, but just know that the human digestive tract is capable of breaking down this toxin in small doses. Basically, don’t eat the azaleas. If you do eat them, don’t eat a lot. If you do, you will suffer from nausea, vomiting, abdominal upset and low blood pressure.
By the way, as I researching this topic, I came across this fun fact. Use it the next time you would like to impress your friends. Did you know that it was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up? The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. The frog then uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach’s contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
(03/14/12 10:29pm)
St. Patrick’s Day is March 17, and Mercerians need to celebrate. Many Macon establishments will be hosting parties to celebrate holiday.
Mercer Village: will host a St. Patrick’s Day celebration starting at 10 a.m. Saturday. Merchants will be selling crafts and goods, and Good Country People, a band composed of Mercer professors, will perform. Afterward, from 7-10 p.m., there will be a Mercer Village party. According to Maconga.com, the party will include “bingo, bagpipes and music by the Shane Bridges Band and Dirty Sound Professors.” There will also be inflatables for partygoers to enjoy.
For students looking to venture a bit further from campus, downtown Macon will be particularly festive for the holiday weekend. Many downtown locations will begin festivities a day early. On Saturday, students can go to the Mercer Village party and head downtown afterward for music and thematically appropriate shenanigans.
The Rookery: Rookery bartender and Macon socialite Roger Riddle said, “We’re having our St. Patty’s party the day before for those who don’t want to get in all the madness.” Local band Mag Tard will be playing on Friday, March 16. Riddle said, “Mag Tard is interesting in that, instead of having a lead guitar, they have a sax player.” Mag Tard recently released their new single Stayed at Home from their album Did You Mean Mustard? on theblueindian.com.
The Hummingbird: Tim Obelgoner, general manager of the Hummingbird, said, “We’re going to have the obligatory green PBR, and we’ll probably be the only bar in town with it.” Local band Back City Woods will perform. There will be a $5 cover, but there will be a chance to win the money back. Obelgoner said, “We’ll probably be doing some gift certificate giveaways during the night for his and hers best St. Patrick’s Day outfits.” The ‘Bird is kicking off the party Friday night with the band Drivin’ N Cryin’.
Bearfoot Tavern: Chris Barton, general manager of the Tavern, said, “We are getting a special keg of Bud Light that’ll be green. We’re also going to do happy hour all day Saturday.” Barton explained that Bud Light draughts and all well drinks will be $2, and there will be $4 glasses of wine. There will be St. Patrick’s Day goodies. Barton said, “We’ll have party favors: necklaces, top hats, shamrock stuff.”
Roasted Café and Lounge: Nick Rizkalla of Roasted is planning a St. Patrick’s Day party. Experimental rock bands Xavii and Nations will begin playing at 10 p.m. While the party will have no cover charge, donations for the touring bands are encouraged.
Anyone looking for a St. Patty’s party in the Payne City area should check out The Shamrock, a pub/restaurant with plenty of experience with Celtic fun.
The Shamrock: Macon’s Irish pub anticipates having quite a crowd for St. Patrick’s Day. Pub owner Dargan McAfee said, “There’s going to be a big crowd. Every year it’s pretty big. We’re going to have several bar areas open, a lot more than regular.” Cover for the Shamrock St. Patrick’s Day party will be $5, but there will be opportunities to win prizes all night for most festively dressed patrons. McAfee said, “We’re going to have all the Irish food we normally have on the menu. We’ll have about four solo singers throughout the night in the tent outside. We’re also going to have Keith Williams and Friends and the Josh Carson and Shane Bridges Band playing.”
Roasted: The newest café in Macon is offering plenty of deals for those wishing to get their drink on. $1 PBR, $2 glasses of house wine and Bud Light 16 oz cans.
PowerStation Club: The club is hosting a ‘Kiss Me I’m Irish St. Paddy’s Day Party.’ Ladies are in free till 11:30 p.m.. The club will have some scrumptious $1 draft green beer. Ladies will receive $2 wells until 12 a.m.
(03/14/12 8:34pm)
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20)
Happy birthday, Pisces! You did very little to rest up over the break. If you’re looking for ways to increase your energy, try training yourself to run on 3 hours of sleep in a given 24-hour period. Sleep from 5-8 every morning, wake up and drop some adrenochrome. You’ll be ready to face the day with violent alertness and, if you’re lucky, an acute myocardial infarction!
Single? Serenade the hotties with tasty tunes played on a harmonica. (Excess spittle optional.)
Attached? Channel that paranoia you feel at your partner.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19)
Something about you is just so on right now, sign. When you speak, people listen. Your eye contact assures people that you’re the right person for the job. Hell, you don’t even smell when you forget to wear deodorant. Whatever it is, you’ve got it. Make the most of it while you can, because you’ll revert to the same dear clutz you’ve always been come April.
Single? Embrace your singularity. You can woo all sorts of suitors with your overflowing suavity right now, but these people won’t make proper fit for the long-term.
Attached? Use the L word.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20)
All signs who have iPhones, please set your text notification to “boing.” (Send your cell phone number to features@mercercluster.com.) On March 26 at 6:34 p.m., be in the ARC. Be wearing turquoise... and moon boots, if you have them. Turn your ringer up to full blast. You are going to be part of something very important. This is your chance to make history.
Single? A new love interest will soon enter your life. Wearing turquoise. In the ARC.
Attached? Your partner might become jealous of your integral role in such a monumental point in history.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Saturdays.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21)
You are facing the bleak reality of your own monetary shortcomings right now, Gemini. Times are hard for everyone, but it seems that your friends are always going out to eat or to the movies, and your wallet dictates that you stay home. Plan a cheap-but-fun night. For example, you and your friends could throw a mini-potluck party, walk to the Arts Exchange and then play on the swings at Tattnall Square Park. (The Cluster is not responsible for any arrests made for midnight swinging.)
Single? Go to any feasts to which you are invited. Hell, it’s free food.
Attached? Make gifts!
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22)
Something horribly embarrassing will happen to you soon, Cancer. There’s not much that you can do about it by means of prevention, but you can try to prepare yourself for disaster control. Stock up on essentials like bandages and adult diapers. Laughing at yourself softens the blow, so practice giggling when you want to cry and perfect your gymnast bow. If the embarrassment is still too much to handle, you can always move.
Single? Stay inside to avoid embarrassment.
Attached? Stay inside to avoid embarrassment.
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky days: Saturdays.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22)
Damn, Leo, you’re dehydrated. Have you recently been mummified? Gone on a four-month bender? Been shipwrecked? Cursed Poseidon or vomited in the fountain of youth? Either way, you’re crusty and it’s terrifying. Get some lip balm and guzzle a half-gallon of water. Maybe this way you can stop virtually coughing dust.
Single? The equinox will bring you closer to your crush… assuming you don’t wither away beforehand.
Attached? Try to spend time with your lover that induces as little sweat as possible. You have absolutely none to waste.
Lucky Days: Mondays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22)
You’re afraid, Virgo. While common stressors like school, work and family keep adding to your anxiety level, the nightmares you’ve recently been having and the paranoia you’ve been experiencing are proving detrimental to your psychological wellbeing. Do not worry. Forces of evil are not out to destroy you. They’re merely out to inconvenience you. Keep a spray bottle of holy water close at hand and try breathing exercises when you begin feeling terror.
Single? Confide in a friend.
Attached? A tendency to scream yourself awake is a bit of a turnoff.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23)
You love to express yourself, but you always keep your creativity quiet, Libra. This is a problem, because you’ve produced something that the world needs to see. Conquer your fears and present your talent! Submit any poetry, fiction, art, sheet music, mathematical proofs, etc, to thedulcimer@gmail.com by April 1. Not only will you get your work out there, but you stand the change of having an effect on another person’s life. Don’t hide your strength.
Single? Attend any feasts to which you are invited.
Attached? Make art of your partner.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21)
You are brimming with useless knowledge and need an outlet, sign. Gather a group of friends and come out to Roasted Café and Lounge on Wednesday night for trivia. This is all you need to both show your intellectual prowess and have an excuse to go downtown on a school night. When you win like crazy, send all thank-you letters to features@mercercluster.com.
Single? Someone at Roasted trivia will catch your eye.
Attached? If you and your partner like a little healthy competition, bring your own sets of friends to trivia and challenge each other to a knowledge-off.
Lucky Days: Mondays.
Unlucky Days: Saturdays.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21)
Your uniqueness is your signature characteristic, Sagittarius. Just because you might be feeling somewhat outcast right now, do not compromise who you are and what it means to you. The outward manifestations of your incredible you-ness might seem superficial, but as your trademarks start to fade, so does your inner boldness. Do not change yourself to fit in. Everything about you is beautiful, and the people that really matter already know that.
Single? Be patient. Someone silently adores you.
Attached? If your partner doesn’t respect who you are, it’s time to ditch.
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19)
You must feast, Capricorn! On March 20, prepare an incredible meal for your friends. Eat, drink, and be merry. Celebrate the arrival of spring, and if things get a little weird, don’t worry. Feasts are always a little weird. The most important thing is to surround yourself with the people you love and to not fear a food baby. Camaraderie is essential to a feast, but so is eating yourself into a coma. A coma of joy.
Single? Invite other singles to the feast.
Attached? Prepare your partner’s favorite dish.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18)
You are fast approaching a serious life change, Aquarius. Don’t assess the situation with terror; rather, see it as an opportunity to learn and to grow as an individual. You are strong. With a positive outlook, you are more than equipped to handle this situation. Even when the future seems bleak, approach it with unparalleled optimism. Change is not always bad, but your disposition determines whether it is good.
Single? Do not fear commitment. Great things can come from change.
Attached? Do not fear independence. Great things can come from change.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.
(03/14/12 8:31pm)
Q) I know a lot of employment positions are being replaced by robots. But I’m a student. Do you think students will ever be replaced by robots? Fantasize (nightmarishly, if we share the same outlook) about it.
A) I’m not sure if they wanted to know if students will be replaced or people who study or major in a specific field will be replaced. There are some fascinating and real possibilities and ramifications to both of those scenarios.
Let’s start with robots replacing jobs. First, let’s look at jobs that have been replaced by robots. Most of these jobs are in the manufacturing industry. Robots place a part on another part and perform the exact same task thousands of times all day every day. These are jobs that people generally don’t want to do, and the people that do them do not require a degree to perform.
Things are about to drastically change. This past summer, Foxxcon, a leading electronics manufacturer in China, released their plans to convert nearly entirely to robots. One of the world’s largest manufacturer employers will be laying off thousands of workers to have them replaced by robots. If this is the death rattle of Chinese manufacturing jobs, then this is the final note in the dirge of American manufacturing jobs.
But it’s not all doom and gloom. There’s still hope. Once we realize that the manufacturing industry will never be what it once was, we can start pursuing its future in earnest. It’s not too late to revive American industry. We can use robots just as well on American soil as anywhere else. And once we have such a system in place, there will be a high demand for maintenance and technicians. The printing press might have destroyed the job market for scribes, but we are so much better off now with readily available and cheap books than we were without them. Yes there will be growing pains, jobs will be and have been destroyed, but the future will be awesome.
So how does this affect you? Will a robot ever take your specific job? It’s possible, but not very likely.
Will a robot ever write poetry? Can it produce art? Can a robot ever lead a company or act as a tour guide? You don’t have to have an extremely overactive imagination to say it’s possible.
Then there’s the issue of the uncanny valley, which, for those that don’t know, is basically the idea that as something becomes more human it becomes more endearing up until it is almost completely human, with a few idiosyncrasies. It becomes literally frightening or unnerving. Also, once artificial intelligence is just as intelligent as human intelligence, do the computers start having rights? We feel pain from sensors on our skin sending signals to our brain. How is that really any different than a simple sensor going to a computer processor?
Q) The Vernal Equinox is coming up! How far away is the sun from the Earth during the Equinox? What about the Winter Solstice?
A) Unfortunately, the sun is not much closer during the Equinox. That is actually an incredibly common misconception. The Equinox is the time when (if you are standing on the Equator) the sun is directly above your head. Not like above and off to your right, or above but slightly toward the south but directly--directly above your head. As in everything would have tiny shadows because everything’s shadows would go directly down. Like a perfect square resting on flat ground would have no shadow that you could see. Also, if you were standing at the North or South Pole during the Equinox, the Sun would be sitting on the horizon ALL DAY. It would travel around you in a circle while resting on the horizon and therefore being a 24-hour sunrise/sunset. Close to the day of the Equinox is the day of the Equilux. This is the day where, for your area or hemisphere, the day and night cycles are almost exactly 12 hours each. (This is also the time when the sun would be closest to directly above you for your hemisphere).
The Solstice is the opposite of the Equinox. This is the day when the sun is furthest from the horizon at the North or South Pole (and therefore closest at the Equator). (For reference the next Equinox is March 20th, the next Solstice is June 20th, and the Equilux for the U.S. is usually recognized on March 17th).
So the day you are most likely asking for about being the closest or furthest from the sun is the perihelion. We are closest to the sun (147.5 million kilometers) usually around January 4th and we are furthest away (152.6 million kilometers) around July 4th. Remember that south of the Equator it is summertime during our winter, so this is one of the major reasons why it is hotter there during their summer (our January) than it is up here during our summer (July). The sun gives about 7% more light and energy to Earth during the times when it is closest to the Earth, so during the perihelion in the Southern hemisphere it is 7% “brighter” than it is up here even in the middle of July!
Email your conundrums to the engineering dream team at features@mercercluster.com with the subject “Hi, Engineers!”
(02/22/12 9:12pm)
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20) Happy birthday, Pisces! As the weather warms, you might catch yourself beginning to have more energy. Your comrades might not be able to keep up with your eagerness, but that shouldn’t deter you from exhibiting it as often as possible. It might be time to purchase a mini-trampoline or pick up a few work-out tapes to help drain some of that excess energy from you. This should, however, guarantee that you will be the star of whatever parties you attend this week. Single? Meet people!Attached? Focus some of that energy into your relationship.Lucky Days: Wednesdays.Unlucky Days: Thursdays.Aries (3/21 - 4/19) You’re so lonely, Aries. Even surrounded by a group of friends, you still feel alone. You long for a real, human connection, yet for some reason that seems unachievable. The problem is, you’re aiming too high! You’ve become so preoccupied with human connections that you’ve forgotten the most rewarding friendships: those with cats. Drop by the Macon Rescue Mission and pick up a furry friend (or 9) and a few kilos of kitty litter, and you’ll be on your way to incomparable popularity! Single? Inter-species love is still weird.Attached? Get your partner a dozen lint brushes.Lucky Days: CATURDAY!Unlucky Days: Fridays.Taurus (4/20 - 5/20) Spiritually, you feel lost, Taurus. Whatever faith you have followed (including a lack thereof) is leaving you feeling somehow unfulfilled. Don’t be afraid to look outside of your personal preference for guidance. Just because you are Jewish (or whatever) does not mean that you must be diametrically opposed to Sufism (or whatever). Spirituality is a personal journey. Single? Don’t go to a house of worship on a fox hunt. Those motives belong in bars.Attached? Invite your partner to join you on your religious meandering.Lucky Days: Wednesdays.Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.Gemini (5/21 - 6/21) You’re going to catch the flu soon, Gemini. If you’ve already gotten a flu shot, it doesn’t matter. You’ll just catch a scarier flu than average. You can try washing your hands with an obsessive frequency or wearing a medical mask, but it’s already too late. You might as well drink out of water fountains and lick doorknobs to try and hasten the process a bit. Go ahead and stock up on meds, OJ and Whoopie Goldberg flicks. Single? You are a veritable Petri dish of doom. (But the cashier at the pharmacy is pretty cute...)Attached? Your lover will avoid you. Lucky Days: Fridays.Unlucky Days: Sundays.Cancer (6/22 - 7/22) You’re going to build up an entire pile of regrets over Spring Break, Cancer. The good news is that you won’t remember the vast majority of these actions. Unfortunately for you, people have cameras. While you are still conscious and thinking straight, go ahead and write up a few cards of apology. (Example: So sorry I barfed on your cat. Even more sorry for not realizing bleach was not the proper method of cleaning up.) Single? Get that stranger’s name. Look on Facebook when you find the ink-smeared napkin in your underpants.Attached? Not for long.Lucky Days: Mondays.Unlucky Days: Thursdays.Leo (7/23 - 8/22) Your computer is going to crash soon, Leo. Yes, this sucks. A lot. But it’s in your best interest to go ahead and backup all of your documents and photos, as well as anything else you’d like to keep. Start saving up and searching for good deals on technology, because it’s unlikely that you’ll ever be able to revive your computer. Basically, you’ll be left with a fancy paperweight. Once it’s dead, feel free to make art out of it. A computer screen really would make an innovative canvas. Single? Don’t yell at IT. One of them might be your future lover.Attached? Borrow your partner’s laptop once yours croaks.Lucky Days: Wednesdays.Unlucky Days: Thursdays.Virgo (8/23 - 9/22) You are soon going to say some things that will piss off a lot of people, Virgo. Think before you speak. If you still consider your ideas valid and feel as though they absolutely need to be spoken, say it. To hell with the opposition! That being said, do be aware of your own motives. If you are only spouting these controversial concepts in order to stir up the emotions of others, you are impure and your point is muddled. And you’re an ass. Single? Your radical statements might scare a suitor.Attached? If your partnerthinks your scathing words are an exaggeration, listen.Lucky Days: Saturdays.Unlucky Days: Fridays.Libra (9/23 - 10/23) Wanderlust much, Libra? Trust me, no one’s blaming you. Try applying for some study abroad options for the upcoming summer. Or just save up enough for a plane ticket and a hostel-tour of, well, anywhere you want. If foreign countries pose too much of a challenge, utilize Spring Break and make an escape! Even a few nights camping at High Falls is better than feeling trapped. (Besides, I hear there are otters at High Falls. If you find any, please take photos and send them to me.) Single? Invite a small group of friends to travel with you.Attached? Your partner would enjoy seeing Costa Rica, too.Lucky Days: Saturdays.Unlucky Days: Mondays.Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21) You will see an old acquaintance in a public place soon, Scorpio. Whether or not the two of you speak to (or even acknowledge) one another is irrelevant, because the mere sight of this person will stir up emotions and memories that you didn’t even know you possessed. Later, try to figure out what made you feel this way. You’ll likely discover something new about yourself. Single? Don’t be afraid to talk to strangers.Attached? You might not want to immediately tell your partner about your blast from the past, and that’s okay.Lucky Days: Mondays.Unlucky Days: Fridays.Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21) CALM THE HELL DOWN, SAGITTARIUS! Why are you panicking? This is only life, and by having a mental breakdown you are giving it the upper hand. You can’t allow that. Let your conditions know that YOU are the boss, and that you refuse to hyperventilate in the face of reality/ (a paper lunch sack) ever again. Take a personal day. Go to the park. Sit on a bench. Meditate. You are going to be fine. Single? Don’t become attracted to someone because you hope that he or she can save you.Attached? Your partner should not be the main source of your stress.Lucky Days: Wednesdays.Unlucky Days: Sundays.Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19) Where you come from does not have to dictate what you become, Capricorn. Don’t feel ashamed of your past or embarrassed of your roots. All of your experiences have combined to create the person that you are today, and you choose where you will be tomorrow. Be thankful for your existence and be grateful for those who have enabled you to come this far. Single? Before starting a relationship, make sure that you first establish a foundation of truth.Attached? Share a childhood memory with your partner.Lucky Days: Sundays.Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18) As Spring Break approaches, your give-a-damn decreases, Aquarius. Unfortunately for you, these pre-midterm weeks have time and again proved to be some of the toughest that a semester has to offer. Either sta
rt working on that insurmountable collection of homework gathering dust on your desk... or give in. Drop trou, pour yourself a nice big bowl of Coco Pebbles, and sit down to a Jersey Shore marathon. Who cares? Single? Don’t worry, poor hygiene is sexy.Attached? Don’t let your partner’s habitual over-achievement weigh down on you.Lucky Days: Thursdays.Unlucky Days: Saturdays.
(02/22/12 9:08pm)
Q) I've been thinking a lot about myself 10 years ago, and the myself of 10 years in the future. I'd really like for all of us to have a happy rendezvous. So... Time travel?Well going forward in time is easy. You are currently going forward in time right now, although at a one-to-one ratio with everyone else. If you want to go forward faster, you’ve got a few options for how to do it. You can fly very fast, as in near the speed of light fast. This will slow down time for you according to special relativity. (Thanks Einstein!) So if you flew to Alpha Centauri and back at like 95% the speed of light and the trip took you about 1.9 years, when you return to Earth everyone else would be 8.3 years older. You just traveled forward in time by 6.4 years!You can get a really similar effect by hanging out near large gravity wells like a black holes, but this is probably more dangerous because if you got too close to the black hole you would super-die and get spaghettified (the official science term for what happens if you get too close to a black hole). Going backwards in time is far, far more difficult. In fact it is probably impossible. Think about it, if time travel existed then there would be loads of time travelers everywhere right now because they would have all of the rest of the universe in time worth of mad scientists, time vacationers and killer Aryan robots who would probably love to visit the prehistoric times we live in now when human civilization was just getting its start. Not to mention that traveling backwards in time breaks causality (the idea that there is a cause for every effect).Seeing back in time is easy. Look at the stars one night. They are all at least 4.2 light years away from us right now. This means that whatever you see them doing (or with a big enough telescope, what is happening on their planets), actually happened years ago and the light is just now reaching us. So if all of the stars blew up right now, we wouldn’t even know for another 4.2 years for the closest ones and hundreds of years for the more distant ones we can see. Even our sun is 8 light-minutes away so all that beautiful warmth and light from the sun is actually 8 minutes old.Now that you have made it back in time, here is some stuff to watch out for: TIME PARADOXES! What if you tried to kill your grandfather? The instant you kill him, you would never have been born and therefore could not have gone back in time to kill him. However, then you would not have killed him, so you have been born again! Which means you can kill him again! Which means you were not born again! So that is something you want to avoid because that makes no sense. That is an extreme example, but there are plenty of things you could do that could create time paradoxes if you aren’t careful. Even doing something really minor could have a “Butterfly Effect” that could cause your parents to not meet, or you to not get your job at the time machine factory! It’s possible that causing one these paradoxes could cause the universe to explode or time to end or other terrible things.There are a couple of theories about how the universe could handle these paradoxes, assuming it’s response is NOT to just blow up everything. One is the post-selected model of time, which says that the universe does not allow paradoxes to occur. In our example, your gun would jam or a bird would poop and you would slip or you would get hit by a car, whatever it would take to make sure that you do not kill your grandfather and thereby cause a paradox. Another option is that every time you go back in time and cause one like that, you simply split off a parallel dimension in which he died, so in your “home” universe he would be fine and you could return like normal, but you would have just created a whole universe in which the only difference is that your grandfather died!Confused yet? Good, I hope this taught you to never, ever, ever go back in time. It’s probably not possible, but even if it is don’t do it! If you want more proof that you will never get a time machine in the universe, try making a promise to yourself that if you ever get a time machine you will come back and visit yourself at a specific time and place about five minutes from now. Memorize this location, write down the time in every calendar and leave sticky notes all inside your fridge (you know you won’t find those for a couple years). Probably nothing will happen and you will feel silly, and will have learned that time travel is impossible (or heavily regulated by the Time Police).
(02/08/12 9:43pm)
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18) Happy birthday, Aquarius! You’re feeling particularly moody these days, despite your birthday festivities. Make certain not to take out your excess aggression on your loved ones, and especially don’t take it out on the road. (All of the boulevard-critters will thank you.) If you absolutely need an outlet for your emotions, steal off to the woods by yourself and commune with nature. Alternatively, any marathon that comes on TLC will work. Single? No, you’re not in love with that person you just met. (Yet.)Attached? Your partner should be accustomed to the ebbs and flows of your emotions. Lucky Days: Thursdays.Unlucky Days: Wednesdays. Pisces (2/19 - 3/20) You’ve got a lot to be proud of right now, Pisces. No one could blame you if your ego becomes inflated. That being said, they might become annoyed with you. Nothing reminds a person of his or her failures quite so well as people who can’t talk about anything but their own successes. You have every right to consider yourself the bomb-diggity (that’s still everyday vernacular, yeah?), just be aware of the effect that you have on others. Single? A sneaky hint regarding your awesomeness will help you score.Attached? Too much focus on your awesomeness will result in a breakup.Lucky Days: Wednesdays.Unlucky Days: Sundays. Aries (3/21 - 4/19) You will soon find yourself disappointed by a role model, Aries. This sort of thing can be a bit paradigm-crushing, but it can also be beneficial. Only once your idols have fallen from the pedestal you kept them on can you see their flaws and truly comprehend their humanity. Don’t think of yourself ignorant in any way. Everyone invests faith in something, and the universe has a lust for destruction of dreams. (We all liked Fergie once.) Your mentor hasn’t changed; you’ve grown. Single? Be bold.Attached? Challenge your partner.Lucky Days: Thursdays.Unlucky Days: Mondays. Taurus (4/20 - 5/20) The future is a horrible, reeking, hulking force lurking above your nightmares and taking peeps at your cleavage, Taurus. If you don’t prepare properly, it will swallow you, remove the pit that is your soul and eventually crap out a mere portion of the person you once were. You’ll be looking back on these days nostalgically thinking, What happened? Don’t allow this to happen! The career fair is 2/15 in the UC. Go ahead and make a battle plan. (Alternatively, invest in an RV and become a nomad.) Single? That simplifies things.Attached? Marriage isn’t a well-rounded life plan.Lucky Days: Saturdays.Unlucky Days: Tuesdays. Gemini (5/21 - 6/21) You aren’t feeling particularly original right now, Gemini, and that’s completely okay. You can get by and even seem witty if you simply rely on song lyrics as your main form of communication. And you can tell everybody this is your song. (Oh hot damn, this is my jam.) Lean a little bit closer, see that roses really smell like boo boo. Who let the dogs out? The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. Single? Repeat: “I’m sexy and I know it.”Attached? You and me, baby, ain’t nothing but mammals.Lucky Days: Tuesdays.Unlucky Days: Mondays. Cancer (6/22 - 7/22) You long for a drastic change, Cancer. You want to relocate, to redefine yourself, to revolutionize normalcy. You feel a profound transformation occurring within you, and you want it to manifest in an incredibly public and influential manner. Start small. Shave your head. Glue the remnants to your eyelids. Sleep in your roommate’s bed. Demand to be addressed only as “Your Excellency Count Flagellum, Esquire.” Single? Pick a friend. That’s your partner.Attached? Shave your partner’s head.Lucky Days: Mondays.Unlucky Days: Wednesdays. Leo (7/23 - 8/22) You are facing a very serious moment in your life, Leo. Do not stress yourself out, but do make it a point to take into consideration the possible outcomes of each of your options. Every action comes with consequences. Some consequences are awesome, and some are horrific. (Ever summoned Bloody Mary? No? That’s because if you did she would muder you. To death. That’s a consequence.) Single? If you are interested in pursuing a new mate, be mindful of emotional chemistry as well as physical.Attached? If a discussion is in order, initiate it.Lucky Days: Sundays.Unlucky Days: Saturdays. Virgo (8/23 - 9/22) An incredible opportunity involving a future career will present itself to you within the next few weeks, Virgo. Prepare for it by remaining (as often as possible) on your most professional behavior. Eye contact and strong handshakes should be your best friends right now, because the better first impression you make, the more likely that this possibility will be realized. Socializing is encouraged, but by no means should you become intoxicated in public until at least the end of the month. Single? Don’t swoon. Charm.Attached? Avoid obscene public displays of affection.Lucky Days: Wednesdays.Unlucky Days: Sundays. Libra (9/23 - 10/23) You should use your supreme organizational skills for good, Libra. There has been a reprehensible lack of flash mob dances on Mercer’s campus. You must amend this. You are the chosen one! If you don’t possess particular choreographing skills, use your systematic method of thinking to locate and contact a dancer.Seriously, Libra. Please arrange a flash mob dance. You will be rewarded in the grooviest of afterlives. Single? The endorphins you work up with that dance will be reminiscent of sex!Attached? Read above!Lucky Days: Fridays.Unlucky Days: Wednesdays. Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21) A dispute between your close friends is imminent, Scorpio. Be prepared to play mediator. It is imperative that you do not pick sides. Even if it appears that one friend is being irrational, try to treat them fairly. There are issues at play that lie beneath the surface, both in the relationship between the feuding friends and personally with each. Try to remind each party how important the communal friendship is to you. Single? Ask that cutie in your Monday class to meet up with you for coffee.Attached? If your partner is involved with the dispute, avoid rose-colored glasses.Lucky Days: Saturdays.Unlucky Days: Thursdays. Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21) You have an incredible eye for design, Sagittarius. You should make the most of your skills over the next few weeks. Make clothes for your friends out of scraps of fabric (or bags of horse food, old copies of The Cluster, whatever) and demand that they wear them as they perform a play for you. They will submit to your will, of course, because you will also design an escape-proof friend cell, and they’ll stay there until they act. Single? Make yourself a crown. Everyone loves royalty.Attached? It couldn’t hurt to make your partner new shoes.Lucky Days: Tuesdays.Unlucky Days: Sundays.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19) You like it classy, Capricorn, with your feet in flip-flops and your wine from a box. Try not to make people uncomfortable with your superior tastes. When people are faced with individuals of exceptional breeding-- the kind that eats their beanie-weenies with a fork-- they become intimidated. Consider your uncultured companions. If the restaurant choice is up to you, don’t pick an over-the-top classy establishment (such as Sonic). Instead, leave the decision to a democratic vote. Single? Winking is creepy.Attached? Don’t make your mate feel inferior.Lucky Days: Mondays.Unlucky Days: Saturdays.
(02/08/12 9:39pm)
In a sense, we already have augmentation technology. Each year prosthetic limbs become more and more like the real thing. The military and research facilities have been performing surgeries on people who have lost arms from IEDs where they move the remaining nerves from the arm and move them to the chest. (In some cases they just use the nerves/muscles already in their chests.) Then they attach a robotic arm onto the shoulder and electrodes to the chest. By moving and flexing their chest muscles, the signals are picked up by the electrodes and control the robotic arm. Also, there have been studies done with electrodes on or right under the skull. There was a paper that just came out recently where they could “play back” the words the subject was hearing. Another had subjects controlling a computer or space invaders video games. Also we have had devices like pacemakers and cochlear implants for years. As far as when a lot of this stuff will be “brought to market” or commonplace - it’s hard to say but the answer is soon. Probably within our lifetime. Definitely before fusion is a viable power source. As for the ethics, that is going to be up for debate for a long time. On one hand, you are clearly improving quality of life. People that were confined to wheel chairs can run, and people who have only one or no arms can now function with limbs that are quickly approaching the same level as a “normal hand.” But there can easily be a dark side to this technology. What if in the future robotic augmentation is commonplace and those that cannot make their payments have their arms shut off by insurance companies? What about privacy? Imagine waking up to the alarm in your cochlear implant to “Don’t forget to brush your teeth! -This message brought to you by McDonalds.” And of course there’s the whole “humanity “ thing. At what point are we augmented to the point we’re not longer human? No one would say some one with a cochlear implant is less of a person but what about a future where augmented people can perform a task much faster than a non-augmented person? Is the non-augmented man less of a person? While maybe both are equally able to appreciate art and beauty, one can perform better in every way. Stronger arms faster legs and AR implants that allow them to make decisions faster and see dangers faster. What happens when only the rich can afford augmentation and only augmented individuals can get the new jobs? I’m not going to go much farther with that line of speculation, because that would just lead to transhumanism and “the singularity.” But, like any technology it has the ability to greatly improve our lives and has the potential to destroy them. Advancement and evolution are an imperative. Once we stop growing and developing as a species we die. (Okay, one thing on transhumanism: maybe that’s ok because what comes after us will be better -the next step in evolution.) We have the power to help those who need help, and I argue that we have a moral requirement to help. To shy away from such developments for fear of playing god or the potential evil is short-sighted and just as dangerous as the potential abuse of that technology. I’m reminded of the story of the first steam engine. Some German dude invented a steam engine and used it to power a boat. Excited, he piloted his boat up the river to show to the great scientific minds of the time and to begin producing them for all. Along the way, he was stopped by the boating guild that murdered him and sunk his invention to the bottom of the river so that his steam engine wouldn’t put them out of the job. It was decades before the steam engine was reinvented. Despite the problems that may arise from new technology, we shouldn’t shy away from it. That’s not to say not to ask questions about he ethical use or needed changes to laws. The future is coming whether we like it or not. And it’s going to be okay. (Except for the climate- we screwed that one up.)
(02/08/12 8:59pm)
Country Hall of Famer Merle Haggard was hospitalized Jan. 17 in The Medical Center of Central Georgia for double-pneumonia, according to Macon.com.
Haggard’s illness caused him to cancel his show at the Macon City Auditorium right before he was expected to go on stage. He has canceled all tour dates through the end of February for recovery, according to his official website merlehaggard.com. The canceled tour dates have been rescheduled for April.
He intends to return to the Macon City Auditorium on April 25.
Along with being treated for double-pneumonia, the 74 year old star was diagnosed with 3 stomach ulcers, 8 polyps in his colon and diverticulitis of the esophagus.
Haggard issued a statement through his publicist Tresa Redburn saying, “Thanks to the folks of Macon, Georgia for their kindness, intelligence and probably saving my life.”
Haggard released his newest album, “Working in Tennessee,” in October 2011. He is a singer, songwriter, guitarist and fiddler.
Haggard was inducted into the Oklahoma Music Hall of Fame for his chart-topping “Okie from Muscogee.”
His 1964 cover of Wynn Stewart’s “Sing a Sad Song” was his first national hit.
By 1967 Haggard had three Top Ten singles, including “My Friends Are Gonna Be Strangers” and the number one hit “The Fugitive.”
Other chart-toppers include, “Sing Me Back Home,” “Mama Tried” and “Fightin’ Side of Me,” as well as more than 30 others.
Johnny Cash introduced Haggard on his variety show, saying, “Here’s a man who writes about his life and has had a life to write about.”
(01/25/12 9:21pm)
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19)
Happy birthday, Capricorn! You want to celebrate, as do your friends. They might, however, have qualms about your celebration means. Make sure to plan festivities that will be affordable for your comrades, and be willing to pool together enough money to cover those who cannot otherwise afford to participate. If you tend to get crazy, plan a separate, calmer party for the amigos you have who might be offended by gratuitous nudity/consumption.
Single? Invite your crush to your gratuitous nudity fiesta.
Attached? Your partner wants to plan a surprise. Act surprised, even if you’re not.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18)
You are brimming with creativity, Aquarius! Of course, you can always fall back on the creative go-tos of writing, art or music. But you can do something better than that. Create an alter ego. Go somewhere new and tell lies, so many lies that you have a hard time keeping them straight. If anyone asks you a question, go with it. “Yeah, I raised cattle in Argentina. Well, really I just massaged the cattle. This was after donkey-punching Mussolini and before hand-stitching this dress, of course.”
Single? The best friendships are built on pillars of lies.
Attached? Only tell the truth to your lover.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20)
You’re far too tense, Pisces. Better calm down before you lapse into hysteria. (Although, did you know that hysteria, so dubbed for its perceived relation to the womb, was once treated by a doctor administering a “pelvic massage”-- manual stimulation of the genitals until the “hysterical” individual reached sexual climax? The ultimate chill-pill: the orgasm. Something to think about. Interpret it as you will.)
Single? Pick up a romance novel.
Attached? Hysteria doctors are obsolete, don’t you think?
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19)
Your health issues are disconcerting, Aries. If you’ve noticed some serious changed in your ability to function-- maybe breathing issues, mysterious pains, vision problems or an uncommon level of exhaustion-- do the smart thing. Call up a doctor. This is your health. You only get one body, so when it doesn’t function properly, don’t ignore the signs. If something is wrong, it’s best to find out now rather than waiting until it is possibly too late to recover.
Single? Go out to lunch. Alone. Learn yourself.
Attached? Your partner really does want the best for you.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20)
You’re feeling particularly suave these days, Taurus. Optimize your current, smooth-talking condition, because once Saturn moves out of your fourth house you’ll lose it. Sign up for any presentations or interviews (over which you have agency) within the next two weeks. Don’t be afraid to take charge in a group: you’re just the person for the job right now. That being said, make sure you have substance to back what you say. Even the sharpest tongue can’t deny the smell of bullshit.
Single? Flirt.
Attached? Surprise your partner with creative compliments.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21)
You’re a good person, Gemini. And, since you’re reading your horoscope in this paper, you’ve probably already looked at the facing page, wherein you can see that it is National Mentoring Month. The characteristics of your sign, diligent, intelligent and quirky, make you the perfect candidate to be a mentor. Call up the Mentors Project and apply. It’s never too late to become relevant in a youth’s life.
Single? Pamper yourself a little.
Attached? Cook dinner together. If you have any leftovers, pack them up and give them to a homeless person.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22)
You’ve got too much free time, Cancer, and it’s causing you to feel useless. You’re not useless, you’re just not particularly useful right now. Pick up a hobby. Something physical, like running or dancing, will pull you out of your ennui and make you feel great. Something artistic, however, might prove to be more gratifying. Nothing feels better than your first time playing “Smoke on the Water.”
Single? Passion for your hobby is a sexy trait.
Attached? You could pick up a hobby together, if you so desire.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22)
Don’t take your loved ones for granted, Leo. Even if they have a strange way of showing it, they care about you. You should show that you care for these people, too. Go out of your way to let some of the most important people know how much they mean to you. Beyond that, seriously contemplate the role that each of these people plays in your life. You never know what day might be your last; make every moment with your loved ones count.
Single? You’ll start to see an old friend in a new light.
Attached? Make eye contact. Hold hands. Love each other.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22)
Stop with the self-deprecation and low self esteem, Virgo. Whether or not you are willing to open your eyes and realize it, you’re hot shit. Anybody would be lucky to talk to you. Beyond that, most people simply are not worthy. You’re attractive, you’re brilliant, and you’re talented in multiple fields. If your horrible perception of yourself is caused by someone else, it’s time to kick this person to the curb. Otherwise, you need to adopt some faith in yourself.
Single? You’re too good for your crush.
Attached? Your partner should make you feel good.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23)
You’ve been having intense dreams recently, Libra. Whether your unconscious world is pleasant, or even if it’s filled with nightmarish ghouls, you need to make an active attempt to remember your dreams. They of course contain secrets as to your current mental and emotional state, but, because Jupiter has entered your house of dreams, they might hold clues to the future. Begin and adamantly use a dream journal to keep track of your prophetic experiences.
Single? Has a certain person appeared repeatedly in your dreams?
Attached? Tell your lover about your dreams.
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21)
You’ll be spending the next few weeks with your nose buried pretty deep in the books, Scorpio. Try not to agitate your asthma with all of the dust that you’re going to kick up in the library. Try planning out exactly what your goals are for each day of the next few weeks. This will make your seemingly-insurmountable to-do list suddenly seem manageable. Make sure to factor in some mandatory fun time, or you’ll explode. (Really, explode.)
Single? Romance is for squares.
Attached? Ergo, you are square.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21)
You’ve got a lot of phobias that your friends and family have always considered to be a little ridiculous, Sagitarius. Don’t give in to their scoffing. You ARE in danger every time you make a left turn. Yes, falls from five feet CAN prove fatal. Opossums DO have poisonous saliva and live in your walls, and there are spiders in literally EVERY pair of shoes you own. Keep your quirks to keep your life.
Single? It’s going to have to stay that way, because strangers ALWAYS conceal battleaxes.
Attached? When the anxiety is overwhelming, send your partner out for supplies.
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Saturdays.
(12/07/11 11:18pm)
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21)
Happy birthday, Sagittarius! You’ve been on your best behavior recently, doing what is asked of you almost without question, trying to keep your priorities appropriately ordered, tidying up without your roommates even asking you to. Good job! You’ve deserved a reward for your exemplary behavior. Go out to dinner, drink a bit too much juice, and let your friends shower you with praise. You’ve earned it!
Single? Someone reading in public will catch your eye this week.
Attached? Your partner might be feeling particularly amorous towards you. Go with it.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19)
Eyd doof eulb htiw oopmahs rieht ecalper dna, tcepser emas eht meht yap. Yawyna uoy ot netsil reven yeht esuaceb ylbaborp si siht. Uoy dnatsrednu tonnac yeht taht egdelwonkca neve t’nod elpoep emos taht eciton thgim uoy tub, htuom ruoy fo tuo semoc ti erofeb llew yas uoy gnihtyreve tuoba kniht ot uoy ecrof siht lliw ylno ton. Nrocirpac, sdrawkcab gnitirw dna gnikaeps ylno yad eritne na dneps.
Single? Keep your tongue tied and you’ll win someone’s affection.
Attached? You specifically should think about what you say to your partner before you say it.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18)
Despite the fact that you are currently brimming with brilliant ideas, Aquarius, your creative energy is being stifled under all of the stress of these last few days of the semester. Set aside time for freedom. This might require plotting out all of your time until your final final is complete, but as long as you have the opportunity to write that opera (or try out that new re-rack in your favorite kind of pong) that you’ve been contemplating, it will be worth it!
Single? The person you like will find someone else. Channel the heartache into a creative outlet.
Attached? Bounce ideas off your partner.
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20)
Go ahead and start planning your New Year’s Resolutions, Pisces. Do you want to floss more, learn Russian, get fit, start a collection of armadillos? The sky is the limit! Plan everything out: know not only what your want to achieve, but also what steps you will take in order to make certain that your goals are realized. (Although, armadillos can apparently transmit leprosy to humans, so be very sterile when starting that collection.)
Single? This is your last chance to make your move on that cutie in your class!
Attached? Take swing dancing classes.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19)
Looking for some extra holiday cash, Aries? There are all sorts of viable, non-taxable employment options! Offer to rake leaves for your neighbors, grade papers for teachers who have reached crunch time, or sell some of those pesky eggs (or sperm). You could even attempt to serve as personal protection for anyone willing to pay for it, but do avoid looking too much like the mafia.
Single? Maybe you could make some dough as a (sexually unexploited) escort.
Attached? You could save some money by “forgetting” to buy your lover a gift.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20)
You’re feeling particularly romantic these days, Taurus. Whether this is because fashionable coats turn you on, love is an enjoyable excuse to procrastinate for studying for exams, or Venus is moving through your house of love… it doesn’t matter! Embrace this feeling. Be as amorous as you can. Write poems, open doors, do some light petting at a park. Find what (or who) impassions you, and let the emotions consume you.
Single? More space for free love that way.
Attached? How lucky your lover is!
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Saturdays.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21)
Everyone knows how important your family is to you, Gemini. But let’s be honest, they don’t provide an atmosphere quite appropriate for your break. So blow them off and blow your savings on a last minute trip to the Bahamas. Or maybe New Orleans would be easier? [Okay, you can invite your family if you absolutely want, but they have to be willing to deal with your bathing suit (or bead) clad antics.] (Repetition of the word “woohoo!” will be in order.)
Single? You’re destined for a winter break fling!
Attached? It might be appropriate to invite your partner on this vacation.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22)
Okay, Cancer, we get that you’re stubborn. And good for you, knowing exactly what you want out of life. That being said, it’s getting a little ridiculous. Knock it off. You know you’re wrong, everybody knows you’re wrong, so just swallow your rampant pride and admit it. Once you admit it aloud, the bottled-up rage that several people have been harboring against you will be diffused. Only then can you be forgiven for acting like such an ass.
Single? Admit it.
Attached? SERIOUSLY ADMIT IT.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22)
Your lack of energy might be a result of your lack of energy, Leo. You can’t muster up the power to get out of bed and get involved with wacky hijinks because your body has become accustomed to lethargy. In order to up your energy level, start waking up an hour earlier than usual and taking a jog around the block or hitting the gym before getting ready for the day. The effect that this minute change will have on your day is immense.
Single? Try jogging to a public place. While there, read a book.
Attached? If your partner is partly to blame for your laziness, encourage him or her to exercise with you.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22)
It’s time to cross-dress, Virgo. Whether it’s something that you’ve never considered or it’s an art you’ve nearly perfected, your ability to be deceptive (and to feel damn good doing it) is heightened right now. If you’re new to the whole process, take baby steps. Take a trip to Goodwill (or to a friend’s closet) and pick out a number that makes you happy. Wear it around the house, and if you love it, go out. You’ve never felt so right.
Single? Maybe you’ll meet someone while you’re out in drag.
Attached? Your partner should accept your wardrobe decisions.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23)
You just can’t seem to get in the holiday spirit, Libra. You’re going to have to do something about that. Search for some alternative Christmas music (such as Rappy McRapperson’s “Gimme Stuff” or “I Farted on Santa’s Lap” by The Little Stinkers) and listen to it while drinking too much eggnog. Try sending cards to your family and friends. Even if the cards aren’t seasonal, it will brighten their day that you thought about them.
Single? Organize a Secret Santa party among your friends.
Attached? Victoria’s Secret offers some getups that should get you in the spirit.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21)
Start looking for a new place to live, Scorpio, because someone, whether it’s your roommates, your landlord, or your RA, has grown incredibly sick of you. Usually I would encourage you to undertake steps to become a more sufferable person to live around (cleaning and volume control), but it’s far too late for that. You’ll be kicked to the street before you even realize it’s happening. A little sucking-up couldn’t hurt, but it probably won’t really help.
Single? Maybe you can flirt your way onto a couch.
Attached? Your partner doesn’t want to board with you.
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.
(11/17/11 12:31am)
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21)
Happy birthday, Scorpio! You seem overwhelmed by curiosity recently. Whatever you’re accustomed to seems boring right now, and you thirst for the unknown. Embrace your desires! Take a spontaneous road trip to somewhere unfamiliar, or, better yet, seek out and join a monastery. Nothing’s better to quench your need for knowledge than severe introspection, silence and chastity.
Single? If someone that you don’t know very well has caught your fancy, pursue romance!
Attached? If there’s something you’ve been dying to ask your partner, ask it already.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.
I don’t mean to frighten you, Sagittarius, but your life is in grave danger. You’ve misunderstood the proper processes that people must undertake in order to avoid bear attacks. (Serious, life-threatening, limb-gnawing bears. None of this Toby crap.) DO NOT go for any picnics this month. Certainly camping is off limits. Forget about any interest you might have in carrying honey through the forest. This is your life. And bears want to take it. Do the right thing.
Single? You won’t find anyone worth courting in a cave. Pinky swear.
Attached? Have you made certain your lover isn’t a werebear?
Lucky Days: Tuesdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19)
Stop invading people’s personal space, Capricorn. It’s as annoying as it is inappropriate. Learn to keep your hands to yourself, because, to be honest, most people are not huggers. Beyond this, no one likes to be tickled; the ribs are a very personal region and they do not exist for your roaming, squirming fingers. Shame on you, Capricorn. Shame on you.
Single? You attract more flies with tactfulness than you do with sexual harassment. (I think that’s the saying.)
Attached? Okay, apparently some people are huggers.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Thursdays.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18)
Listlessness seems to define the current state of your life, Aquarius. You’re exhausted and overwhelmed, and what’s worse, you don’t have time to get yourself back on track. If you’re feeling particularly uninspired, try picking up a potent vial of catnip. As you race through the cosmos, eyelids inside out and devoid of object permanence, you’re likely to rediscover yourself.
Single? You lack the energy to seek out a mate right now, which is fine. Focus on yourself.
Attached? Get out of your pajamas and go on a date with your partner. You’d be surprised how much better a loved one can make you feel.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Fridays.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20)
Whoa, Pisces. You’re currently faced with a life-altering decision. Whatever your particular situation might be, make sure to fairly weigh all of the options that are available to you before settling on a conclusion. Be thorough but speedy; time is of the essence when your fate dangles in the (un)balance of such a decision. Meditate on the good and bad of each side of the proverbial coin. Nothing in this world is unilateral. As you well know, the decision isn’t easy.
Single? Reward your decision-making with a cup of tea with friends.
Attached? Be open to the opinions of your partner.
Lucky Days: Sundays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19)
Your family is really starting to take a toll on your mental health, Aries. Every family becomes stressful at times, but once your life begins to suffer as a direct result of their lack of functionality, don’t be afraid to remove yourself, ever so politely, from their reign. You are an adult, and though your brief estrangement might upset your relatives, the overall effect that the removal of stressors will have on you is well worth it.
Single? Capitalize on the strength of your surrogate family: your friends.
Attached? Your partner understands the stress you’re feeling.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20)
You spend too much time on the computer, Taurus. Unplug yourself for at least four (sunlit) hours a day and use the time as an opportunity to take a walk, to enjoy a cup of coffee with friends, to commune with nature. If you allow technology to control your existence, you’re entering into virtual reality. (And the only reason anyone should exist in virtual reality is if he or she recently purchased an appropriate helmet.)
Single? Get off Facebook.
Attached? Your lover will appreciate an opportunity to spend time together sans technological distractions.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21)
Don’t be so worried what other people think of you, Gemini. Occasionally, you have to refuse to be what your cohorts expect you to be and be true to yourself. Yes, people notice when you’ve gone out of your way to look good, but do not bury yourself under appearances. Very few people will take note if you’re less than perfect, but no one can trust you if you aren’t sincere.
Single? Whatever love interests spawn from a false conception of you are false.
Attached? If your partner does not know who you truly are, there is no genuine trust in your relationship.
Lucky Days: Saturdays.
Unlucky Days: Tuesdays.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22)
You’re containing a secret and it’s driving you mad, Cancer. Whether it’s something as trivial as a friend’s surprise birthday party or as important as the knowledge of an acquaintance’s infidelity, make sure to know your place. Only if the secret directly involves you, or withholding the information will cause harm to others, should you feel at liberty to share it.
Single? Send someone flowers anonymously.
Attached? If the secret involves your partner, prioritize. Do you wish to continue the relationship, and, if so, do you want to establish a bond of trust?
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Saturdays.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22)
You’re living with immense guilt, Leo. Reevaluate the situation, and you’ll find that, while you might have played a role in whatever it is that is gnawing at your conscience, it is not your fault alone. This is not to say that it is appropriate to place the blame on others, but you do need to recognize that you are not superhuman. If, even after assessing the situation, you find yourself to be the greatest culprit, it is your duty to apologize to anyone you might have hurt.
Single? Go dancing.
Attached? Just apologize already.
Lucky Days: Wednesdays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22)
Yes, Virgo, it is getting hot in here. Yes, you can take off all your clothes. A nudity first policy is completely permissible, and if you find that your roommates have an issue with it, simply invest in a nice towel to properly cover all your scandalous bits. Make sure to welcome your companions to join you in sweet, nude bliss. (Although, mind the weather. You’ll catch your death of cold.)
Single? Ain’t no party like a naked party!
Attached? If your partner has a problem with your nudity, it’s time to call it quits.
Lucky Days: Thursdays.
Unlucky Days: Mondays.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23)
It’s time to give back to the community, Libra. Do this by helping out the Macon Rescue Mission. There are plenty of critters out there just waiting for a good home, and who better to provide one for them than you? (Of course, if you live on campus, you’ll need to immediately send the creature to boarding school at the home of a friend or relative that you frequent. That, or pose Friskers as a Venus fly trap every time the RA comes around.)
Single? Nothing attracts the hotties like a bitty beagle!
Attached? Nothing enriches a relationship like communal puppy loving!
Lucky Days: Fridays.
Unlucky Days: Sundays.
(11/17/11 12:26am)
I’ve reached the end of my three-part series on Macon’s places of worship, and I hardly even feel that I’ve skimmed the surface. Everyday I pass a new church I didn’t attend or think of another denomination that I failed to even consider previously.
I attended the Saturday morning Shabbat service at Congregation Sha’Arey Israel. The service began at 9:30 a.m. which, of course, feels very early on a Saturday. This particular synagogue is egalitarian, dedicated to celebrating Conservative Judaism and Jewish life. I did not immediately understand the meaning of this, and therefore felt a bit lost in the highly ritualistic service.
I had been told that only men were expected to wear kippahs—the rounded hat—so I did not grab one when I entered the synagogue. As congregants gradually began to pour into the synagogue, I began to realize that I was the only person, female or otherwise, whose head was not covered. By the time that I understood that I was supposed to be wearing a kippah, it was too late. I had committed to a naked head, and to try and scurry out my seat, up the aisle and to the basket of kippahs would have been mortifying. So I remained in my seat, uncovered head and all. This issue, perhaps trivial, largely occupied my thoughts for the duration of the service, because all I could think was, “Do I seem brazen? Is this disrespectful? AH!”
The service was simultaneously fascinating and confusing. At the Friday evening Sabbath service I attended at TBI, the prayer books were written in Hebrew with English translations as well as the transliteration of the Hebrew alphabet on the facing pages of the prayers. At Congregation Sha’Arey Israel, the prayer books had very little English. My knowledge of Hebrew is basically nonexistent, so I had minimal comprehension of significant portions of the service.
When the Torah was brought out of the arc (which is a small area in the wall behind the altar that contains the synagogue’s most important scrolls) for the reading, six people gathered around the scroll.
As the Torah was read aloud by one of the congregants (in Hebrew song, of course) the other congregants made certain that every word was pronounced an intonated properly. (When reading the Torah, every word is of utmost importance.)
The selected reading was Genesis 19, the story of Lot. I’ve always struggled with this passage. (The whole “Rape my virgin daughters” bit really rubs me the wrong way.) The rabbi at CSI was the first person who’s explained the story to me in a way that shows Lot in a light that is even mildly favorable. She brought up other verses from the Torah in which characters negotiate by first suggesting something absurd, such as offering offspring up for rape, with the expectation that the offer will be refused. She suggested that culturally, negotiation was key, and that was how it was properly done.
The rabbi who conducted the service was named Pam. Pam travels to CSI monthly. The resident rabbi is Rachel Bat-Or.
After the service (which lasted three hours and was largely in Hebrew), there was a delightful brunch.
I believe that if I knew Hebrew, I would prefer Congregation Sha’Arey Israel for its reliance on ritual. As I am new to Jewish traditions, I think that Reformed Judaism is more appropriate for me than Conservative Judaism.
On Sunday, I trekked to North Macon to attend Emmanuel, a non-denominational, evangelical, Spirit-led church.
I missed the first 10 minutes of the 10 a.m. service, which apparently were meet-and-greet minutes. Upon entering, I immediately noticed that I was one of the few people who were not wearing jeans. Beyond this, many of the congregants were young and hip.
The church’s exterior was monolithic and featureless, aside from a slightly raised cross above the entrance. Inside the worship hall was a stage with incredible lighting. A single barren cross draped with fabric was on the stage, along with a band of four members. (The drummer was beating on the electronic set that I drooled over a few years ago, and the lead guitarist could shred!)
The service was largely centered on the contemporary Christian rock music that the Emmanuel band played.
There were no Bibles or hymnals provided by the church. Nor were there stained glass windows or religious art.
The worship leader, who was also the lead singer and rhythm guitarist of the band, conducted the service. (Although I understand that usually a pastor conducts the sermon.) He read a passage from 1 Thessalonians about the importance of praise and worship. The passage was projected onto the walls for those of us who failed to bring Bibles. A video was played asking, “How often do you sit in the thanksgiving chair?”
While Emmanuel offered a new take on religion to me, I feel that it is not the right fit for me. I feel that Jesus isn’t meant to be cool and that church isn’t for fun. To me, religion requires humbling oneself, and ritual helps to achieve a proper worshipful state. Evangelism provides an outlet for the ecstasy of the Holy Spirit, but I need a place of worship that focuses on the gravity of religion. Emmanuel is great for celebrating and rejoicing, but for me it’s too lax an experience.
Thus concludes my publicized spiritual wanderings. I have discovered a great deal about my religious needs and preferences over the past few weeks, and although the Episcopal Church and Reformed Judaism are most appealing to me, I intend to continue with the search.
I hope to have inspired my readers to test their faiths, to experiment religiously, to become religious vagabonds.
(11/02/11 10:19pm)
St. Paul's Episcopal Church
For the last edition of The Cluster, I began a spiritual extravaganza in which I attend various religious services throughout Macon.
For this edition, I first went to St. Paul’s Episcopal Church, located at the corner of College and Forsyth.
The people at St. Paul’s were incredibly friendly. When my company and I entered, we were greeted by people in white robes (who we soon ascertained were members of the choir), asked to fill out visitors cards and welcomed to be seated.
Episcopal churches, like the Catholic and Orthodox services I discussed in the first installment of this article, follow a liturgical calendar. What I didn’t originally know about the Episcopal Church is that it is, in fact, the Anglican Church of America. (Mind, blown.)
One thing (among several) that I loved about St. Paul’s was the acceptance of love that was so evident in everything that was done. On the visitor’s cards, the section for relationship status included engaged, cohabitating, and in a partnership. During the meet and greet moment of the service, Father Hal came down among the congregation to plant a kiss on his wife. I love that!
The church itself was lovely and wooden with stained glass windows and plenty of seating for the choir. The service was English. I appreciated this, because I could actually understand what was being said at all times, but I was also a bit bummed that it made the entire experience seem slightly less ritualistic to me. (I do adore savory otherness of being monolingual in a bilingual place of worship.)
I struggled a bit with the chants that proved to be such a staple at the Episcopal Church. They did not come with sheet music, and the pauses, line breaks and varied intonations seemed arbitrary to me.
My friends and I were permitted to take the Eucharist at St. Paul’s. The sacrament is of high importance. The St. Paul’s website lists its objectives, beginning with, “Firstly, the weekly Eucharist as the highest act of worship.”
After the service, Father Hal and his wife spoke to my group kindly, letting us know that we were always welcome if we ever wanted to come back, had any questions or wanted to join the parish for breakfast. I soon received a personalized greeting card in the mail from the clergyman thanking me for my attendance and welcoming me back anytime. (I was even invited to bring my cats to have them blessed at the church!)
The following Friday evening, I attended the Shabbat service at Temple Beth Israel, located on the corner of Spring and Cherry.
Until this moment, I had never attended a Jewish service of any kind and was very eager for experience.
My company and I were at first concerned, because the Cherry Street entrance was locked when we arrived. We walked around back to find a small congregation of people entering the temple. We went in to the worship area for the service. The temple itself is beautiful, with a dome in the center down which an eye looks. The temple was decorated with many candles, and as we entered candles were being lit.
The Shabbat service was largely based out of the prayer book. Most of the prayers in the book were written in Hebrew and translated into English. Rabbi Schlesinger sang many of the prayers in Hebrew, and sometimes the congregation would sing along in worship.
Occasionally the congregation was asked to stand. Then the Rabbi would turn his back to the congregation and a portion of the wall would open up. He would proceed to pray to the opening in the wall.
Rabbi Schlesinger later informed me that this was the ark and that it contained the synagogue’s most important documents: the Torah.
The congregation offered a prayer to the deceased and the ill. Everyone then recited the Mourner’s Kaddish, which, when my time comes, is what I want read at my funeral. (It’s in writing now, so you guys won’t have much of an option.) The prayer preceding the Mourner’s Kaddish ends with “Love doesn’t die; people do./ So when all that’s left of me is love,/ give me away.” That prayer, followed by the intelligent conversation and jokes that followed, was enough to make me consider converting. (Is it still considered conversion if you weren’t particularly religious on the first hand?)
Then came one of my favorite moments from my Reformed Jewish experience: the eating of bread. A loaf of bread, which had been hiding under a towel during the majority of the service, was presented. The Rabbi said, “Thanks be to God for bread.” He then took a bite, said, “Mmmm, bread,” and covered it back up. I could hardly contain myself! It seemed almost like a bit of a joke directed at the concept of transubstantiation.
Following this, there was a Q&A session with Rabbi Schlesinger. He explained that usually he gives a sermon, but on the last Friday of the month that is replaced with conversation.
The ask-the-Rabbi session was incredible. First off, there was plenty of wine and cake. After gathering food, everyone sat around folding tables in the community area of the synagogue and discoursed. The conversation focused largely on some of the differences between the Christian and Jewish practices. The idea of Hell was discussed (and laughed at, which was fabulous). One member of the congregation actually quoted Sartre, saying, “Hell is other people.”
The discussion about Hell led to a discussion about action versus faith. For the members of Temple Beth Israel, doing good acts is what matters, and doing them because they are the right thing to do, not for fear of Hell or hopes of Heaven.
My Episcopal and Reformed Jewish experiences were both personal and meaningful. The welcoming nature of both places of worship compels me to return and learn more about these denominations.
Keep reading next edition for the final installment of the Macon Places of Worship series.
Temple Beth Israel